How to really check in with your child.
“How was your day?”
“Fine.”
“Anything happen?”
“No.”
And that’s apparently the end of the conversation. You’ve had a more detailed update from the school lunchbox.
Getting past the one-word answers can be tricky. Particularly when you’re not just making conversation. You’re asking because something seems a little different, and you’re trying to work out whether your child is okay… but where to from here?
Clinical psychologist Asher Morrison gives practical suggestions parents can try to open up those conversations, what to look for and what to do when the answer isn’t a reassuring one.
Here’s five considerations for parents when something doesn’t feel quite right.
1. Is It Moodiness, Or Something More?
If moodiness alone meant something was wrong, plenty of parents would be concerned before breakfast.
Asher acknowledges that many of the things parents might worry about can also be part of an ordinary teenage day. Being tired, agitated, off their food or less interested in spending time with people can be difficult to interpret on their own.
The thing to notice is a change in what’s usual for your child.
Look at whether those behaviours are happening over a prolonged period of time or if there’s a sudden change towards some of those behaviors.
Have they stopped enjoying something they usually love? Are they withdrawing from friends? Has their sleep or appetite noticeably changed?
You don’t need to have worked out exactly what’s going on before you ask.
And if asking earns you an eye roll? That doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done the wrong thing.
“I think a teenager might get annoyed at you,” Asher says. “But that doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do.”
2. Ask About The Things You Know Matter
“How was your day?” is a fairly big question. There’s a lot of day to choose from.
Getting specific can help, particularly with younger children. Ask about lunch, a lesson or the friend they mentioned yesterday. If they’ve told you something is difficult, come back to it.
How did that conversation go? Was maths any better today? Who did you spend lunchtime with?
You’re not conducting an investigation. You’re showing that you listened, remembered and are still interested.
For a deeper check-in, Asher suggests:
“Is there anything that’s getting you down at the moment?”
Or:
“Anything that you haven’t told me yet you think it’d be good to let me know?”
The first question may not get much back. That doesn’t make it pointless.
“Don’t necessarily nag, but do persist with turning up and asking,” he advises.
3. Be Ready When They’re Ready
Unfortunately, your child’s preferred time for a meaningful conversation may not line up with yours.
You might be ready at afternoon tea. They might be ready when you’ve brushed your teeth, turned out the light and have absolutely nothing left.
Asher encourages parents to be open to those inconvenient moments. Sometimes that means propping yourself up on the pillows and listening to the child who has just appeared at the end of your bed.
It can also mean making use of the ordinary moments already in your day.
The drive to school. Something to eat together. Time side by side, without a device between you.
“You get into this rhythm with staring down the road and being side by side, and things just come out,” Asher says.
Not every important conversation needs a formal sit-down. Sometimes it needs a lift somewhere.
4. What If They’re Not Okay?
The temptation can be to immediately take over. Make the appointment, contact the school, come up with the solution.
But Asher says that as children get older, involving them in the next steps becomes increasingly important.
“What do you think we could do about this?” he suggests asking. “Who could we talk to?”
Depending on what’s happening, that might mean approaching a trusted teacher together or seeking professional support.
And if they don’t want help, it doesn’t mean a parent has to do nothing. Asher encourages parents to acknowledge that getting help can be difficult, while making it clear that their concern isn’t going away.
The aim is to work with your child, while continuing to take their wellbeing seriously.
5. Keep The Conversation Going
Initiatives like R U OK? Day can be a helpful prompt. But family life carries on after the day is over, and so should the conversations.
It’s possible to know who needs picking up, what homework is due and what everyone wants for dinner, without really knowing how anyone is going.
Checking in takes some deliberate effort. It may be awkward. It may be inconvenient. It may not produce much of an answer the first time.
For parents who already know their child is struggling, Asher offers some hope.
“I think the most hopeless time is before you start doing anything about it.”
Change isn’t always easy or quick. But starting a conversation and taking a step towards support is better than sitting with it alone.
You don’t need a perfect opening line or an answer for everything they might tell you.
Start by asking. Make room to listen. And keep turning up.
Article supplied with thanks to Rhema 99.7.
About the Author: Chloe Ellenbacher is the co-host of The Fresh Start Morning Show on Rhema 99.7.
Feature image: canva.com
