By: Michelle Nortje
Choosing Books That Meet You Where You Are…
As an avid reader, I often catch myself scrolling through articles suggesting what I should read next:
“Top 10 books everyone must read,”
“Classics you can’t miss,”
“Books that will change your life.”
However, I sometimes find myself struggling to get into the book at that time, or not quite connecting to the characters. I’m sure you’ve also had the experience of picking up a highly recommended book and finding it hard to read, emotionally flat, or even overwhelming. I have been reflecting on this process for a while now, and I don’t think this means the book is bad, and it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me or you! It may simply mean that the book doesn’t fit where we are right now.
Reading is definitely not a neutral activity. When we open a book, we enter into a relationship with it. Books ask things of us: attention, imagination, emotional openness, and sometimes the willingness to sit with complexity or pain. Choosing a book thoughtfully can be a gentle way of practising self-reflection and self-attunement.
So I have decided that this year, rather than asking “What’s a good book?”, it might be more helpful to ask: “What kind of book would support me at this current moment in my life?”
Reading with emotional awareness
Before choosing your next book, I would therefore like to suggest taking a moment to pause and reflect on a few simple questions first.
1. How much capacity do I have right now?
Some books require emotional stamina. While others are more restful.
You might ask yourself:
- Am I feeling overwhelmed or fairly resourced?
- Do I have space for emotional depth and complexity?
- Am I tired, grieving, stressed, or seeking comfort?
When our capacity is low, a demanding or emotionally heavy book can feel like too much, even if we would enjoy it at another time.
2. What emotional tone am I able to sit with?
Instead of focusing on genre or ratings, rather consider the feel of a book.
Do I want something that feels:
- Gentle or reassuring?
- Absorbing and immersive?
- Dark but meaningful?
- Hopeful or light?
- Reflective and slow?
The descriptions or reader tags (like those on Goodreads and The StoryGraph) are helpful here, but because they give a descriptive sense of the emotional weather of a book.
3. What do I need from reading right now?
Different books offer different kinds of nourishment and can help fill up our cup in different ways.
You might be looking for:
- Company — feeling less alone with your inner world
- Escape — a break from your own concerns
- Meaning — reflection, insight, or coherence
- Soothing — something calming and predictable
- Stretch — a gentle challenge or new perspective
There’s no “right” reason to read. Needs change, and so can reading choices. Attuning to your needs more intentionally can help you find a book that is a better fit.
4. Do I want familiarity or something new?
At times we long for:
- familiar themes
- a known author’s voice
- a sense of safety and predictability
At other times, we may feel ready for:
- new perspectives
- ambiguity and questions
- emotional or intellectual challenge
Both of these focuses are valid. Paying attention to this can prevent unnecessary frustration or self-criticism when you just can’t finish a book!
5. Permission to stop
One of the kindest things you can give yourself as a reader is permission to stop reading a book that no longer feels right. Putting a book down is not a failure. It may simply mean that this book doesn’t meet you where you are right now. You can always return to it later (or not at all!).
Reading as self-attunement
Choosing books in this more emotionally attuned way mirrors a broader emotional skill of noticing your internal state and responding with care. Just as we learn to pace ourselves emotionally, we can also learn to pace our reading lives. When we choose books with this kind of awareness, reading becomes less about achievement and more about our relationship with the story and with ourselves. In this way, reading becomes a quiet way of listening to ourselves.
In therapy, we often notice that the stories, books and poems people are drawn to can reflect emotional needs, unanswered questions, or a longing for understanding and connection. Bibliotherapy is one way of working with this process more intentionally, using books and stories to support self-awareness, emotional regulation, and meaning-making. If you’re curious about how therapy might help you better understand your inner world, develop greater self-attunement, or find steadier ways of caring for your wellbeing, you’re very welcome to enquire about seeing one of the psychologists here at The Centre for Effective Living. We’d be glad to explore what support might be most helpful for you.
Feature image: Canva
