By: Lauren Chee
Grief is an universal human experience – and yet it is commonly misunderstood. Many of my clients ask for help to move through or “fix” their grief.
When the sadness of grief lingers longer than expected or the waves don’t show any sign of letting up, it is common to worry that something has gone wrong.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why am I still feeling sad? Shouldn’t it be better by now?” – you’re not alone. In our culture of efficiency and quick fixes, grief can feel like an unnecessary interruption to our lives. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. It doesn’t respond to pressure. In fact, the mismatch between what grief actually looks like and what you expect it to look like can produce unnecessary suffering.
In reality, grief isn’t a problem to fix. It’s a process to move through.
Grief is our mind and body’s natural response to losing someone or something precious. And when you stop trying to fix grief or force it away, this ends up being what you need to stop fighting ourselves and create space for your mind and body to do the healing they need.
In this blog, we’ll explore what this looks like.
The Hidden Message Behind Trying to “Fix” Grief
Seeing grief as something to be fixed may unintentionally send the message that what you’re feeling is ‘wrong’ in some way.
Grief provides a human, emotional response to loss that serves a necessary purpose – to work through the pain of the loss and adapt to a new reality.
When we try to “fix” grief, we unintentionally tell ourselves: “I shouldn’t be feeling this, something is wrong with me”.
What we stop trying to fix it, the message becomes: “This hurts and it’s allowed to hurt”.
Giving yourself permission to feel reduces suffering. You stop berating yourself for not recovering as fast as you’d like. You don’t force yourself to feel differently than you are. Instead, you can connect with what you’re truly feeling and start to meet yourself with compassion in the pain.
Grief Doesn’t Need to Disappear for Life to Move Forward
Many people want to “fix” their grief because they believe that life can get back on track only once grief is gone. It’s true that in the early stages grief can feel like it overwhelms every part of life. But as you move through your grief, allowing the waves to rise and fall naturally, your grief will change shape. Life will slowly expand around grief.
What this looks like is being able to feel sadness about the loss and still:
- Connect with friends and family
- Enjoy moments
- Laugh
- Work
- Plan for the future
Grief will come to coexist with life, rather than overwhelming it.
When You Stop Fixing Grief, You Start Tending to Yourself
Stopping trying to fix grief doesn’t mean totally surrendering to your emotions and taking no action. Rather it gives yourself the opportunity to shift from pressure to care. Just like you would naturally tend to a friend who’s experienced a big loss, you need the same love and care when you are grieving.
Treating yourself with compassion while you are grieving might look like:
- Letting grief show up in small, manageable amounts
- Asking what you need while the wave is here
- Acknowledging that pain can coexist with connection, meaning and joy
Those who are grieving might need a gentle reminder that their grief is a sign of love, not weakness. Their pace is perfect, they don’t have to rush anything. It’s human to want this pain to stop, but the part of you that’s hurting deserves gentleness, not pressure.
Grief isn’t something to get over. It’s something to grow around. If you give yourself the time, space and care that you need to heal, grief will become a part of your story but not your whole story. It will provide a way to honour what was lost without taking over what still remains.
Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.
About the Author: Lauren Chee is a psychologist who understands the importance of forming a caring therapeutic relationship with her clients, and uses evidence-based skills that can lead to positive and lasting change. She has a special interest in anxiety-related disorders, OCD, social skills, parenting and attachment, child mental health and learning difficulties.
Feature image: Canva
