By: The Centre for Effective Living
It’s almost a cliché that therapists want to ask about your childhood. But have you ever wondered why we’re so interested?
It’s because childhood is the foundation of our inner world. Those early years are when we first start building a sense of self, learning how relationships work, and figuring out what the world is like. The impressions we form, either positive or negative, don’t just disappear. They echo into adulthood, sometimes in the form of encouragement, but sometimes as the harsh voice of an inner critic.
Where That Inner Critic Comes From
Many people are familiar with the inner critic, that voice that says things like, “You’re not good enough,” or “You’ll never get it right.” For some, this inner critic developed because of the messages they absorbed in childhood.
Psychologists call this internalisation. It’s when words, attitudes, or beliefs from others become part of our own self-talk. What started as someone else’s opinion can gradually turn into “this is who I am.”
Of course, not everyone grows up hearing negative or critical messages. Some children are surrounded by encouragement and warmth, which lays a different foundation. But for those who did experience prolonged criticism, neglect, or inconsistent care, internalisation can leave lasting marks.
Messages Aren’t Always Spoken Out Loud
It’s also worth remembering that not all messages are spoken out loud. Children absorb meaning from attitudes, behaviours, and situations just as much as from words. A parent’s constant irritation when a child needs help can be taken as “I’m a burden,”withdrawing affection after mistakes might feel like “I only deserve love if I’m perfect,” and being overlooked in favour of a sibling can quietly send the message “I’m less important.” These unspoken cues can be just as powerful in shaping self-worth as direct criticism.
Why Childhood Messages Stick So Deeply
- Kids’ brains are still developing
A child’s brain is wiring itself at an incredible pace, making them especially open to influence. What they take in, whether words, behaviours, or subtle cues, literally helps shape the brain’s patterns for thinking, feeling, and reacting. - A still-forming sense of self
As mentioned previously, children don’t yet have a clear boundary between “what others say or show me” and “who I am.” Because their identity is still fragile and flexible, outside labels or attitudes can easily harden into self-concept. - Caregivers are powerful “truth tellers”
Parents and caregivers don’t just guide; they define reality for a child. Their responses carry enormous weight and are often taken as fact. - Sometimes, a coping strategy
In difficult situations, some children may find it less frightening to think “I’m the problem” than to confront painful truths like “my parents don’t love me.” While this kind of self-blame helps a child make sense of things, it can create long-term self-criticism.
The Impact of Childhood Experiences
For people who did internalise negative messages, those early experiences can grow into a strong inner critic that lingers into adulthood. Even when life circumstances improve, the echoes of those words may continue to influence confidence, relationships, and self-worth.
How to Loosen the Grip of the Inner Critic
- Notice the voice
When self-criticism shows up, pause and ask: “Whose voice is this? Is it mine, or something I picked up long ago?” - Reframe the message
Try swapping harsh judgments with something kinder. Instead of “I’m such a failure,” try “This is hard, but it doesn’t define who I am.” - Practice self-compassion
Treat yourself the way you’d treat a good friend: with patience, understanding, and encouragement. - Seek support if needed
For some, the inner critic runs deep. Therapy can help untangle those old patterns and support healthier ways of relating to yourself.
Not everyone grows up with the same kind of messages. Some are fortunate to receive mostly positive, encouraging voices, while others carry the weight of harsher ones. Wherever you fall on that spectrum, it’s worth remembering: the voices you internalised as a child don’t have to define you as an adult. By becoming aware of them, reshaping your inner dialogue, and practicing self-compassion, you can quiet the critic and create a kinder, more supportive relationship with yourself.
Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.
Feature image: Canva
