Every relationship consists of two people, but the hard truth was the most consistent factor in my failed relationship, was me.

You’d think we’d be better in a relationship the second time around. But that’s usually not the case. Statistically, second and third marriages are more likely to end in divorce than first marriages. That’s a confronting reality, especially for those who have already lived through the breakdown of a relationship and hope to avoid it from happening again.  

A common assumption is that the problem was the person we were with. Maybe it was a chemistry issue, an ongoing conflict or something else. When all else has failed, the solution seems obvious—find someone better, more compatible and everything will work out. 

To be fair, there’s some truth to that. While it’s rarely the case that one person is entirely at fault and the other completely without it, not all relationships are equal. Sometimes one person brings far more dysfunction into the dynamic than the other. In those cases, pairing with a more emotionally secure partner will likely lead to a healthier relationship. That doesn’t mean they have nothing left to work on—it simply reflects that they were operating from a stronger foundation.

But what if that’s not your situation? What if you were the more dysfunctional one? That’s the part I’ve had to come to terms with.

While every relationship consists of two people, I’ve come to realise that the most consistent factor in my failed relationship . . . was me. That was a hard truth to come to, but a necessary one. Because for people in my position, simply finding someone new won’t solve anything.

Think about it. If the core issues are internal, changing the person doesn’t change the pattern, it just relocates it. The same tendencies, reactions and blind spots will show up again no matter who you’re with and will cause trouble all over again. 

My experience was painful. But it was also a necessary wake-up call. It forced me to confront parts of myself I hadn’t wanted to see and rethink what actually makes a relationship work. So, I thought I’d share what I’ve learnt on my journey so far. 

Communication Is Good, Emotional Safety Is Better

“Communication is key” is one of the most common pieces of relationship advice shared. And for good reason—good communication is essential. But communication isn’t the foundation, it’s the result of something deeper: emotional safety.

Emotional safety is what allows someone to say what they actually feel, not just what feels acceptable to say. It’s the sense that even the most difficult emotions and uncomfortable truths—whether anger, loneliness or resentment—can be expressed without fear of it blowing up in your face. It means you don’t have to edit yourself to keep the peace or be accepted but can be fully and authentically you with another person. When this is missing, communication breaks down before it even begins.

The truth is, when it doesn’t feel safe to be honest, people will just stop being honest. They’ll hold back from what they’re feeling and learn to bury their issues.   

In my own experience, I am able to look back and recognise how often I failed to provide that safety. When honest truths were expressed, I responded in ways that shut them down. I was defensive, I minimised, I tried to fix things instead of just listen. Even subtle reactions can communicate to someone that it’s not safe to be honest. 

When that happens consistently, your partner will stop bringing things to you. They’ll cease trying to communicate. Not because everything is fine, but because it doesn’t feel like it will go well if they do. When conversations don’t happen, the relationship becomes fragile. Not from direct conflict itself, but from the absence of the kind that actually resolves things.

A helpful way to think about this is how fire departments manage high-risk areas. Rather than just waiting around for a massive, catastrophic wildfire, they carry out controlled burns, clearing away built-up fuel before it becomes dangerous. It’s the same in relationships. 

Those tough conversations can feel threatening, but when there’s emotional safety, they act like controlled burns. They clear what’s been building and reduce pressure, creating space for understanding and growth.

Without them, everything stays hidden and the pressure builds until eventually something small sets it off. What looks like a sudden collapse is often the result of an accumulation of months, years or decades of unspoken frustrations. 

This is why emotional safety matters so much. It allows problems to be addressed early and conflict to be turned into something that strengthens rather than destroys.

So yes, communication does matter. But without emotional safety, it never really gets off the ground.

Work On Yourself, For Yourself

If emotional safety is foundational, why do so many of us struggle to create it for others? 

In my experience, it’s not a lack of intent, it’s a lack of capacity. When I was faced with difficult feedback, especially things that reflected back on me, I didn’t handle it well. I reacted in ways that shut it down. While I could justify those reactions at the time, the issue wasn’t the conversation itself, but my response to it.

I simply didn’t have the capacity to hear certain truths about myself. So when my partner would express how she felt, my instinct wasn’t to understand, but to defend, correct, escape or accuse her of what she was saying about me. In reality, that was what she was actually feeling. As a result, my avoidant responses weren’t solving anything—they were just invalidating her emotional world and damaging the relationship in the process. 

The best way forward would have been to build my capacity—not to only hear what she was saying, but to respond in a way that would lead to repair, not rupture. But that kind of change doesn’t come from surface level effort. It requires deeper work—understanding why something triggers you, why defensiveness shows up and why certain truths feel threatening.

This work has to be, at least primarily, intrinsically motivated.

When your relationship is on its last leg, it’s easy to become outcome-driven. You want to fix things, win them back, change their mind. But if that’s your chief motivation for doing the work, it will eventually stop.

If things start to improve, the urgency fades and the effort drops off, because it feels like you’ve done enough. If things don’t improve, the effort fades for a different reason—namely, because it seems like nothing is changing. Either way, the change doesn’t last.

That’s the problem with outcome-driven growth aimed at changing a person’s mind—it’s unstable because it depends on how the other person responds. The only sustainable path is to work on yourself, for yourself. Not to win someone back, to prove a point or to stop hearing things you don’t like—but to understand why you react the way you do and to learn to respond differently. 

When you do that kind of work, it changes the way you show up, not just in one relationship, but in all of them.

Don’t Need Them, Choose Them

When someone can’t manage their internal world, they often begin to rely on their partner to do it for them. Over time, this creates a lopsided dynamic, where one person becomes the caregiver and the other becomes the dependent, leaning on that support without learning to stand on their own. 

Of course, caring for each other is part of a relationship. But when one person avoids their own baggage and the other carries it, equilibrium is lost. One gives far more than they receive and over time leads to exhaustion and a growing sense of discontent for the person carrying the load.

Looking back at my relationship, I hadn’t developed the ability to manage my emotions. So when I found someone willing to shoulder that for me, it felt deeply satisfying. But satisfying doesn’t necessarily mean healthy.

Eventually, I began to operate from a place of need. Without realising it, I came to believe that I couldn’t live without this person. She was my whole world! 

We’ve all heard this idea—and maybe even sung along to it. Harry Nilsson sang, “I can’t live, if living is without you.” James Arthur sang, “You’re nobody ‘til somebody loves you.” And Whitney Houston sang, “I have nothing, nothing, nothing, if I don’t have you”. 

These ideas sound romantic in love songs, but they’re not so great in a relationship. The pressure it puts on the other person is enormous. It’s a weight no-one should have to bear.

I’m convinced a healthier approach is to come from a place of want, not need. Two people who retain their identity, take responsibility for themselves and choose to share their lives. There is care, love, commitment and support—but not absolute dependence. 

Getting there, of course, is a journey, especially if you already tend toward dependence. For me, learning about attachment styles and applying that knowledge to my situation has been hugely enlightening. It’s helped tremendously in understanding what’s been driving my behaviour in relationships and how to become better moving forward.

The last two years have been the most difficult and painful time of my life. But it’s also been incredibly fruitful. To anyone who’s gone through a long-term relationship breakdown, I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is. I know the feeling of a heartache so deep that it feels like it’s going to consume you. I know what it’s like to want to give up. 

But I also know there’s another side to the story. I know that you can get through this. And I know the brokenness can lead to healing.  

Name withheld for privacy

Feature image: Via Canva.com

And how to finally solve it…

It starts the same way every time.

Maybe it’s about chores. Or money. Or how one of you shuts down while the other gets louder. The details may change, but the feeling is familiar: frustration, defensiveness, miscommunication. You know how it will go before it even begins. One of you says something. The other reacts. The argument escalates. You both walk away feeling unheard, exhausted, and a little more distant.

If you feel like you’re stuck on repeat, you’re not imagining it. In fact, psychologists call these recurring arguments “conflict cycles”, and they’re one of the most common issues couples face.

But here’s the good news: you’re not doomed to keep looping. With insight and intention, it’s possible to break the pattern and create deeper understanding instead of deeper wounds.

Why Couples Get Stuck in the Same Fight

At the surface, recurring arguments may look like they’re about everyday issues, laundry, parenting styles, weekend plans. But beneath these topics are often deeper, unmet emotional needs.

According to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) founder Dr. Sue Johnson, most recurring conflict is not about the issue itself—but about the emotional message behind it. When couples argue about surface issues, what they’re often really saying is:

• “Do I matter to you?”
• “Can I trust you to be there for me?”
• “Will you respond to my needs?”

These are attachment needs, and when they go unacknowledged, they trigger fear, anger, or withdrawal.

“Couples don’t get stuck because they disagree. They get stuck because they can’t get past the emotional loop that disagreement triggers.” – Dr. Sue Johnson

Understanding Your Conflict Pattern

The Gottman Institute refers to these loops as “negative sentiment override.” When couples build up emotional residue over time, they begin to interpret each other’s words through a lens of past hurt. Even neutral comments can feel loaded.

A typical conflict cycle often looks like this:

1. One partner brings up an issue (often with frustration or criticism).
2. The other gets defensive or shuts down.
3. The original partner escalates, feeling ignored.
4. The other retreats further, feeling attacked.
5. Both walk away feeling misunderstood, and the core issue goes unresolved.

This is known in therapy as a pursuer–withdrawer dynamic, a common pattern where one person seeks connection through confrontation, and the other seeks safety through distance.

If left unaddressed, this loop can quietly chip away at emotional safety in the relationship.

When couples start therapy, they often say, “We just argue over stupid things.” But what they’re describing is protest behaviour, a way of saying, “I’m hurting and I don’t know how to reach you.”

Let’s look at a few examples:

• The fight about chores is often really about feeling overwhelmed and unsupported.
• The argument about how much time you’re spending on your phone might actually be about craving attention and feeling disconnected.
• That repeated clash over parenting styles could be tapping into deep fears about safety or being undermined.

Conflict is rarely about what it seems. It’s a bid for connection, just expressed in a way that usually backfires.

How to Finally Break the Cycle

1. Slow Down the Reaction, Name the Pattern

The first step to change is awareness. Begin to notice the cycle instead of blaming the person. Try saying:

• “Hey, I think we’re in that loop again.”
• “This feels familiar, let’s try to pause and reset.”

Labeling the pattern disarms it. It reminds you that it’s not you vs. your partner, it’s you two vs. the cycle.

2. Shift from Blame to Vulnerability

Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try: “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard. What I really need is to feel like my voice matters to you.”

This shift from accusation to expression lowers defenses and invites empathy. Research consistently shows that vulnerable communication (using “I” statements and expressing emotions) leads to more successful conflict resolution and higher relationship satisfaction (Gottman, 2015; Johnson et al., 1999).

3. Validate Before You Problem-Solve

Often, couples jump into fixing mode, but what’s really needed is emotional validation.

Validation sounds like:

• “That makes sense you’d feel that way.”
• “I can see how that would be hard.”
• “I didn’t realise it impacted you like that. Thank you for sharing.”

This doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with everything, it means you’re choosing empathy over defensiveness. And that opens the door to real resolution.

4. Repair Often and Early

Every couple argues. What separates healthy relationships from unhealthy ones is the ability to repair. According to Dr. John Gottman, the most successful couples aren’t those who avoid conflict, they’re the ones who know how to recover from it.

This might look like:

• A sincere apology: “I’m sorry I snapped. That wasn’t fair.”
• A touch, a laugh, or a moment of softness after tension.
• Coming back to the conversation later, when you’re both regulated.

Repair says: “You matter more than winning this fight.”

5. Consider Therapy to Go Deeper

If you find yourselves stuck in the same argument no matter how hard you try, it might be time to talk to someone who can help untangle the emotional knots beneath the surface.

Therapies like EFT and Gottman-based couples counselling have been shown to be highly effective in reducing negative cycles, improving emotional connection, and increasing satisfaction, even for couples in long-term distress.

As one client once told me, “We didn’t need someone to fix us, we just needed help learning how to hear each other again.”

Recurring arguments aren’t a sign that your relationship is broken. They’re a sign that something underneath is asking to be seen.

Every time you fight about “the same thing,” an invitation is being offered: to get curious, not critical. To move from reaction to reflection. From accusation to understanding.

You may never completely stop disagreeing, but you can stop spinning in circles. Because conflict, when handled well, doesn’t have to divide you.

It can deepen your intimacy.
It can teach you how to show up.
It can be the doorway to a stronger, more emotionally honest marriage.

You just have to learn how to listen to what it’s really saying.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Feature image: Canva

You’re making dinner when your partner walks in and says, “Look at this funny video.” You nod vaguely but keep stirring the pot. You’re distracted, tired, thinking about what’s next.

What just happened? According to Dr. John Gottman, you may have missed a bid for connection, one of the most important building blocks in a healthy relationship.

In long-term love, it’s not the grand romantic gestures that keep couples close, it’s how they respond to each other’s small, everyday emotional needs.

A bid is any attempt to get attention, affection, or affirmation. It could be verbal (“How was your day?”), physical (a hand on your back), or even emotional (a sigh or a subtle glance).

It’s your partner saying, “Will you connect with me?” And every time you respond, you’re answering, “Yes, I see you, I’m here.”

In research conducted at The Gottman Institute, couples who stayed happily married over six years responded positively to their partner’s bids 86% of the time.

Those who divorced? Only 33% of the time. That’s not just significant—it’s staggering.

The Science Behind It

Neuroscience confirms what the research shows: human beings are wired for connection. When someone responds warmly to a bid, the brain releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), and over time, this strengthens emotional safety and trust.

Even a tiny gesture, like eye contact or a “tell me more”, can activate the brain’s reward system, reinforcing closeness.

But when bids are consistently ignored, dismissed, or rejected, the result is disconnection.

As psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson puts it, “Our deepest need is to know we’re emotionally safe and held. Without that, we don’t thrive.”

What Bids Sound Like

Bids for connection are everywhere, they’re just not always obvious. Here are a few examples:

• “Want to come with me to the shop?” → Bid for time together
• “Work was a lot today.” → Bid for emotional support
• “Did you see that article I sent?” → Bid for shared interest
• A shoulder rub, a joke, a random story → Bid for affection or attention

It’s easy to dismiss these moments as small talk or habit—but they’re actually sacred micro-moments that shape your emotional bond.

Why They’re Easy to Miss

Let’s be honest, life is full. Between kids, work, chores, and the never-ending mental to-do list, many couples go into survival mode. We get task-focused, not connection-focused. Phones, fatigue, and unspoken resentment can also make us tune out without meaning to. And sometimes, we’re not even aware that our partner is reaching for us.

But the more bids we miss, the more disconnected we feel. You don’t need to be a mind-reader. You just need to slow down and start noticing.

1. Tune In More Often

Look up when your partner speaks. Notice their tone, their eyes, their body language. Even a gentle “What’s up?” can invite more connection.

2. Respond, Even If It’s Small

You don’t have to launch into a long conversation every time. A nod, a smile, or “Thanks for sharing that with me” is often enough.

3. Ask Questions

If you’re not sure if something’s a bid, ask. “Do you want to talk about it?” or “Are you looking for advice or just someone to listen?”

4. Turn Toward, Not Away

Dr. Gottman’s research defines this as the habit of intimacy. Turning toward builds connection. Turning away slowly erodes it.

The Long-Term Impact

When you respond to a bid, your partner feels:

• Seen
• Valued
• Safe

Over time, this builds:

• Emotional intimacy
• Trust
• Greater resilience in conflict

In fact, Gottman’s research shows that positive interactions during neutral or everyday moments are more predictive of marital satisfaction than how couples handle arguments.

That’s right, it’s not how well you fight, but how well you connect that determines your future.

If love is a language, bids for connection are its vocabulary. They’re the “I’m here,” the “Do you see me?” and the “Let’s be close even when life is busy.”

Marriage isn’t held together by grand gestures, it’s strengthened by everyday choices.

And the good news? You get dozens of chances a day to say yes to connection.

So next time your partner sends you a small signal, a sigh, a story, a silly meme, pause.

Look up. Turn toward. Because those little moments? They matter more than you think.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Feature image: Canva

A common myth about relationships is that not fighting is a good sign. Although not fighting may sound ideal, peaceful, easy, and drama-free, in reality, the absence of conflict can sometimes signal emotional distance, avoidance, or unspoken resentment.

What truly matters is not whether you fight, but whether you know how to fight well, this includes engaging with respect, care, and a willingness to understand each other.

In their book Fight Right, Drs. John and Julie Gottman offer a powerful reframe: conflict isn’t the problem—it’s how we handle it that matters. When approached with care and curiosity, conflict can actually become a gateway to deeper understanding, growth, and closeness.

Here are 5 key takeaways from the Gottmans’ work that we’ve found helpful in our work with couples:

1. Start Gently to Fight Well

When emotions are high, it’s easy to jump in with blame or criticism. But the way an argument begins often sets the tone for how it will end. Starting with a gentle “I” statement, like “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and could use some help”, is far more effective than “You never help around the house.”

2. Stay Emotionally Engaged to Fight Well

In tough moments, some of us shut down or walk away. Whilst it’s a protective response, it can leave your partner feeling abandoned. The Gottmans talk about “turning toward” instead: staying present, even if you don’t have the perfect response. Sometimes just saying, “I’m trying to understand” can go a long way.

3. Watch for the ‘Four Horsemen’ to Fight Well

These are four communication habits that can seriously harm relationships:

• Criticism – attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing specific behaviours
• Contempt – using sarcasm, mocking, or eye-rolling to express disrespect
• Defensiveness – shifting blame or playing the victim instead of taking responsibility
• Stonewalling – shutting down or going silent to avoid the conversation

We all fall into these patterns from time to time, especially when feeling hurt or overwhelmed. But becoming aware of them, and learning to recognise the early signs, can make a big difference. Catching these habits early allows you to pause, reflect, and respond more thoughtfully before things spiral.

4. Make Repairs Along the Way to Fight Well

Conflict doesn’t have to be fully resolved in one conversation. What matters more is that both people feel safe, heard, and emotionally connected. Resolution often takes time, and it’s the small repair attempts, like a kind word, a gentle touch, or a bit of humour, that help maintain the bond. These gestures show that the relationship matters more than being right and can be the first step toward rebuilding understanding.

5. Go Deeper Than the Surface to Fight Well

Most fights aren’t really about the dishwasher, dirty laundry, or weekend plans. At their core, they’re usually about deeper emotional needs, like feeling appreciated, respected, accepted, or understood. When you take a moment to look beyond the surface of the argument and ask, “What’s really going on here?”, you open the door to more meaningful communication. That’s where real understanding begins, and where genuine healing and growth in the relationship can take place.

Fighting With Your Relationship in Mind

The goal isn’t to avoid conflict altogether. It’s to approach disagreements with the mindset of building us, not just proving me. Fighting right means seeing conflict as part of the dance of a long-term relationship. Not a step backward, but a way forward. It’s not about fighting less. It’s about learning to fight well.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.
Feature image: Canva