Most couples struggle because love is getting lost in translation.

One person is showing love by working hard, helping with the kids, paying the bills, or getting things done around the house. The other person is longing for affection, words, quality time, or emotional connection.

Both may be trying. Both may even love deeply.

But if love is not being expressed in a way the other person can actually receive, it can leave both people feeling unseen, unappreciated, and disconnected.

This is where the idea of “love languages” can be helpful.

The five love languages, made popular by Gary Chapman, are usually described as words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts. They give couples a simple framework for understanding how each person tends to give and receive love.

But here is the important part: love languages are not meant to become labels. They are meant to become a doorway.

A doorway into better listening. Better noticing. Better loving.

Because the goal is not just to know your spouse’s love language.
The goal is to become fluent in love.

Love is not just what you mean. It is what they experience.

One of the greatest mistakes we make in marriage is assuming our intention is enough.

“I meant well.”
“I was trying.”
“That’s just how I show love.”
“They should know I love them.”

But love is not only about what you intended to communicate. It is also about what your spouse actually received.

You may feel like providing financially is love.
Your spouse may feel most loved when you sit with them and ask about their day.

You may feel like physical affection is love.
Your spouse may feel most loved when you speak encouragement over them.

You may feel like doing practical jobs around the house is love.
Your spouse may feel most loved when you slow down and give them your full attention.

This is why love requires humility.

It asks, “How do you feel loved?” Not just, “How do I prefer to give love?”

Philippians 2:4 says, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” That is deeply practical in marriage. It means love learns the other person. It studies them. It pays attention.

A healthy marriage is not built on loving your spouse in the way that is most convenient for you.

It is built on learning to love them in a way that reaches them.

Love languages are helpful, but they are not the whole story.

Love languages can be a great conversation starter, but they are not a complete relationship system.

Recent relationship research has questioned whether every person has one fixed “primary” love language, or whether matching love languages is the secret to relationship satisfaction. A 2024 review argued that the popular assumptions behind love languages are not strongly supported by the full body of evidence.

That does not mean love languages are useless. It means we should use them wisely.

Think of love languages less like a diagnosis and more like a map. A map can help you understand the terrain, but it is not the destination.

The goal is not to say, “My love language is quality time, so you must love me exactly this way forever.”

The goal is to say, “This is one of the ways I often feel most connected to you.” That shift matters. Because mature love is not demanding. It is discerning.

It learns.
It adapts.
It serves.

The deeper need underneath every love language is connection.

Whether your spouse loves words, affection, time, help, or thoughtful gifts, the deeper longing is often the same:

“Do you see me?”
“Do I matter to you?”
“Are you thinking of me?”
“Can I still reach you?”
“Are we okay?”

This connects with what Dr John Gottman calls “bids for connection”—small attempts to reach for attention, affection, support, humour, or closeness. Gottman describes bids as a fundamental unit of emotional communication, and healthy couples learn to turn toward these bids rather than ignore or reject them.

That means love is not only found in the grand gestures. It is found in the small responses.

Looking up when they speak.
Texting back with warmth.
Saying thank you.
Holding their hand.
Helping without being asked.
Noticing when they are overwhelmed.
Remembering what matters to them.

Love languages work best when they help us turn toward each other more often.

Because connection is built in the small moments we choose not to miss.

The five love languages in real life

Words of affirmation say, “I see the good in you.”
This looks like encouragement, appreciation, blessing, gratitude, and speaking life. Words matter. Proverbs 18:21 reminds us that “death and life are in the power of the tongue.” In marriage, your words can either become a weapon or a covering.

Quality time says, “You have my attention.”
This is not just being in the same room. It is presence. Eye contact. Conversation. Shared moments. Listening without rushing. Your spouse should not have to compete with your phone for your attention.

Acts of service say, “You are not carrying this alone.”
This might look like helping with dinner, taking initiative, doing the job they hate, making life lighter, or noticing what needs to be done. Love often looks like practical support.

Physical touch says, “I am close, and you are safe with me.”
This includes affection, warmth, holding hands, hugs, tenderness, and appropriate intimacy. For many couples, touch communicates reassurance when words fall short.

Gifts say, “I thought of you.”
This is not about materialism. It is about thoughtfulness. A small gift, a note, their favourite snack, or something that says, “I remembered.” The value is often not in the price, but in the meaning.

Each one is simply a different way of saying, “You matter to me.” Healthy love communicates needs without demanding worship from the other person.

Love languages are not about training your spouse to meet every emotional need. They are about helping both of you become more aware, more responsive, and more generous.

The goal is not to be loved perfectly. It is to love faithfully.

A healthy marriage is not built by simply knowing your spouse’s love language. It is built by consistently choosing to speak love in ways they can receive.

It is built when you notice.
When you listen.
When you adapt.
When you serve.
When you repair.
When you turn toward each other again and again.

Because love is not just a language you learn once. It is a life you practise daily.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Feature image: Canva

In 1997, Dr Gary Chapman released the book The 5 Love Languages of Children as a follow-up to his bestseller, The Five Love Languages.

The concepts that Dr Chapman shares in his book are essentially about how to increase a child’s sense of self-worth, love, belonging and role in the family. He narrowed down the ways children feel loved to five key ones (not dissimilar from the original). 

While many parents have reported the book has helped children feel more deeply understood, valued and, most of all, loved, Dr Chapman’s work is not without controversy. Critics have pointed out a lack of scientific evidence to support the theory, its vagueness and potential oversimplification of the categories, and the potential for misuse.

There is however, still merit in the ideas behind love languages in that focusing on them can help you strengthen your relationship with your child. The key is to remember, and as pointed out by Dr Chapman himself, even if your child has a dominant love language, they will benefit from all five ways of receiving love. 

It is crucial that parents still practice all five love languages. Show them love in all the languages and then teach them how to use these for themselves. The value is not only for your children but for the people with whom they will live and associate with.

Here’s a bit more about the five love languages for kids: 

1. Words of Affirmation 

Compliment them or their work. Have interactive conversations with them, both sharing your thoughts. These kids may love a good book, thoughtful gifts which include words, and heartfelt messages (think a note in the lunch box). 

2. Acts of Service

Allow them to help you and offer your help whenever appropriate. Thoughtful acts and unexpected assistance can make them feel like you appreciate them. There are lots of practical ways you can show your child you love them without saying a word. 

3. Gifts

Give them something tangible that lets them know you were thinking about them. Something in their favourite colour, animal they love or food they enjoy to show you know what they like. Gifts don’t have to be expensive or even cost at all. Be creative! 

4. Quality Time

Every child wants to connect with their primary caregiver. Quality time doesn’t necessarily look like hours on end of uninterrupted play, but it does require genuine undivided interest to make it count. 

5. Physical Touch 

All children thrive on physical contact. This could be a pat on the back, a hug, holding hands while going on a walk or a game of tickles.

Ultimately, whether or not you fully embrace Dr Chapman’s theory, intentionally expressing love in a variety of meaningful ways can only deepen your connection with your child and help them grow into secure, compassionate individuals who both recognise and generously give love.

Melody Tan is a passionate advocate for empowering mothers through connection, faith and digital engagement. She is project manager of Mums At The Table. She lives in Sydney with her husband and their primary-school-aged son.

Article Supplied with thanks to Sign of The Times Magazine

Feature image: Canva

Marriage is one of the most beautiful and refining relationships we can experience. It teaches us about love, selflessness, and grace—but it also stretches us beyond what’s comfortable.

Many of us go into relationships assuming that love should come naturally. That if we are kind, loyal, and give our best, our partner should feel loved. But here’s the challenge—what feels like love to you may not feel like love to them.

A healthy marriage requires learning to love your partner in the way they need it—not just in the way that feels natural or comfortable for you. This means:

• Understanding that your experience of love isn’t universal
• Recognising that different people have different pain points
• Honouring your partner’s boundaries and needs, even when they don’t make sense to you

Let’s break these down and explore how we can love our spouse in a way that deepens connection, rather than causes unintentional hurt.

1. Love in the Way Your Partner Needs, Not Just in a Way That’s Easy

Most of us default to showing love in the way that makes sense to us.

If you love words of affirmation, you may assume that compliments and encouragement are the best way to show love. If you value quality time, you may assume that spending time together should be enough to make your partner feel connected.

But love isn’t one-size-fits-all. Real love means learning how your partner best receives love—even when it’s different from how you naturally express it.

Take for example Natalie. She feels loved when her husband spends time with her, but her husband, Jake, feels loved when acts of service are done for him. When Sarah constantly tells him “I love you” but rarely helps with practical things, he doesn’t feel as connected—even though she believes she’s expressing love.

Or let’s look at Jeremiah. He grew up in a home where playful teasing was a sign of affection. He often jokes with his wife, Amy, assuming it builds connection. But Amy, who grew up in a more sensitive environment, feels dismissed and hurt when he teases her—even though that’s not his intention.

If we truly want to love well, we must ask, listen, and adapt:

• “What makes my partner feel loved and safe?”
• “Do I assume that what works for me should work for them?”
• “Am I willing to stretch beyond what feels comfortable to me in order to meet their needs?”

Marriage thrives not when we love in a way that’s easiest for us, but when we love in a way that actually lands with our partner.

2. What Doesn’t Hurt You, Might Hurt Your Partner

One of the biggest mistakes we make in marriage is assuming that if something wouldn’t upset us, it shouldn’t upset our partner either.

But here’s the truth: Different people have different sensitivities.

Something that rolls off your back may deeply wound your spouse. Dismissing their emotions with “I wouldn’t be upset by that”, shows that you’re using your own experience as the measuring stick for theirs.

Esther grew up in a family that spoke loudly and debated everything at the dinner table. She loves healthy discussion and sees disagreement as normal. But her husband, Ryan, grew up in a home where conflict felt unsafe, so when she raises her voice during a conversation, he feels anxious and shuts down—even though she doesn’t mean any harm.

Noah is very independent and doesn’t need a lot of emotional reassurance. He loves his wife, but he doesn’t always check in throughout the day because he doesn’t personally need that level of connection. But his wife, Jess, feels ignored and disconnected when he doesn’t reach out, even though that’s not his intention.

If your spouse expresses hurt or discomfort, the right response isn’t “That wouldn’t bother me”—it’s “I hear you. Tell me more.”

• Love isn’t about whether something makes sense to you. It’s about whether it matters to your partner.
• Just because you don’t need something doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t need it.
• Dismissing your partner’s pain as overreacting or irrational doesn’t help—it creates emotional distance.

Real love requires humility. It means saying, “I may not understand why this upsets you, but I respect that it does, and I want to do better.”

3. Not Everyone Has the Same Boundaries as You

One of the greatest acts of love in a marriage is respecting your partner’s boundaries—even when they’re different from yours.

Boundaries aren’t about control. They’re about what someone needs to feel emotionally, mentally, and physically safe.

Alex doesn’t mind checking his phone during dinner—to him, it’s just a quick glance. But his wife, Rachel, sees dinner as sacred connection time, and it deeply bothers her when he’s distracted. If Alex dismisses her by saying, “It’s not a big deal,” he’s prioritising his own boundary over hers.

Megan is comfortable sharing everything with friends, but her husband, Chris, is more private. When she shares personal marriage struggles with others, he feels exposed and betrayed. Megan may not see the problem, but his boundary is different from hers—and it still deserves to be respected.

What This Means for Marriage?

Respecting boundaries means honouring what your spouse needs, not what you think they should need.

• Just because youwouldn’t feel hurt by something doesn’t mean they shouldn’t.
• Boundaries in marriage aren’t about agreeing on everything—they’re about creating a relationship where both people feel seen, heard, and safe.

The question isn’t, “Do I think this boundary is reasonable?” The question is, “How can I honour what my partner needs, even if it’s different from my perspective?”

At the heart of a thriving marriage is a willingness to grow, stretch, and love beyond what is comfortable.

• It’s about learning your partner’s love language, not just assuming they should respond like you.
• It’s about taking their pain seriously, even when it wouldn’t hurt you the same way.
• It’s about respecting their boundaries, not just your own.

The beauty of marriage is that it shapes us. It teaches us how to love deeply, not just conveniently.

So, the next time you catch yourself thinking, “I wouldn’t need that” or “I wouldn’t be hurt by that”, pause and ask:

“But does my partner need that?”
“Does this hurt them?”
“How can I love them better—even when it stretches me?”

Because true love isn’t just about giving—it’s about giving in a way that is received.

About the Author: About the author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spend her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

Feature image: Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash