Every relationship consists of two people, but the hard truth was the most consistent factor in my failed relationship, was me.

You’d think we’d be better in a relationship the second time around. But that’s usually not the case. Statistically, second and third marriages are more likely to end in divorce than first marriages. That’s a confronting reality, especially for those who have already lived through the breakdown of a relationship and hope to avoid it from happening again.  

A common assumption is that the problem was the person we were with. Maybe it was a chemistry issue, an ongoing conflict or something else. When all else has failed, the solution seems obvious—find someone better, more compatible and everything will work out. 

To be fair, there’s some truth to that. While it’s rarely the case that one person is entirely at fault and the other completely without it, not all relationships are equal. Sometimes one person brings far more dysfunction into the dynamic than the other. In those cases, pairing with a more emotionally secure partner will likely lead to a healthier relationship. That doesn’t mean they have nothing left to work on—it simply reflects that they were operating from a stronger foundation.

But what if that’s not your situation? What if you were the more dysfunctional one? That’s the part I’ve had to come to terms with.

While every relationship consists of two people, I’ve come to realise that the most consistent factor in my failed relationship . . . was me. That was a hard truth to come to, but a necessary one. Because for people in my position, simply finding someone new won’t solve anything.

Think about it. If the core issues are internal, changing the person doesn’t change the pattern, it just relocates it. The same tendencies, reactions and blind spots will show up again no matter who you’re with and will cause trouble all over again. 

My experience was painful. But it was also a necessary wake-up call. It forced me to confront parts of myself I hadn’t wanted to see and rethink what actually makes a relationship work. So, I thought I’d share what I’ve learnt on my journey so far. 

Communication Is Good, Emotional Safety Is Better

“Communication is key” is one of the most common pieces of relationship advice shared. And for good reason—good communication is essential. But communication isn’t the foundation, it’s the result of something deeper: emotional safety.

Emotional safety is what allows someone to say what they actually feel, not just what feels acceptable to say. It’s the sense that even the most difficult emotions and uncomfortable truths—whether anger, loneliness or resentment—can be expressed without fear of it blowing up in your face. It means you don’t have to edit yourself to keep the peace or be accepted but can be fully and authentically you with another person. When this is missing, communication breaks down before it even begins.

The truth is, when it doesn’t feel safe to be honest, people will just stop being honest. They’ll hold back from what they’re feeling and learn to bury their issues.   

In my own experience, I am able to look back and recognise how often I failed to provide that safety. When honest truths were expressed, I responded in ways that shut them down. I was defensive, I minimised, I tried to fix things instead of just listen. Even subtle reactions can communicate to someone that it’s not safe to be honest. 

When that happens consistently, your partner will stop bringing things to you. They’ll cease trying to communicate. Not because everything is fine, but because it doesn’t feel like it will go well if they do. When conversations don’t happen, the relationship becomes fragile. Not from direct conflict itself, but from the absence of the kind that actually resolves things.

A helpful way to think about this is how fire departments manage high-risk areas. Rather than just waiting around for a massive, catastrophic wildfire, they carry out controlled burns, clearing away built-up fuel before it becomes dangerous. It’s the same in relationships. 

Those tough conversations can feel threatening, but when there’s emotional safety, they act like controlled burns. They clear what’s been building and reduce pressure, creating space for understanding and growth.

Without them, everything stays hidden and the pressure builds until eventually something small sets it off. What looks like a sudden collapse is often the result of an accumulation of months, years or decades of unspoken frustrations. 

This is why emotional safety matters so much. It allows problems to be addressed early and conflict to be turned into something that strengthens rather than destroys.

So yes, communication does matter. But without emotional safety, it never really gets off the ground.

Work On Yourself, For Yourself

If emotional safety is foundational, why do so many of us struggle to create it for others? 

In my experience, it’s not a lack of intent, it’s a lack of capacity. When I was faced with difficult feedback, especially things that reflected back on me, I didn’t handle it well. I reacted in ways that shut it down. While I could justify those reactions at the time, the issue wasn’t the conversation itself, but my response to it.

I simply didn’t have the capacity to hear certain truths about myself. So when my partner would express how she felt, my instinct wasn’t to understand, but to defend, correct, escape or accuse her of what she was saying about me. In reality, that was what she was actually feeling. As a result, my avoidant responses weren’t solving anything—they were just invalidating her emotional world and damaging the relationship in the process. 

The best way forward would have been to build my capacity—not to only hear what she was saying, but to respond in a way that would lead to repair, not rupture. But that kind of change doesn’t come from surface level effort. It requires deeper work—understanding why something triggers you, why defensiveness shows up and why certain truths feel threatening.

This work has to be, at least primarily, intrinsically motivated.

When your relationship is on its last leg, it’s easy to become outcome-driven. You want to fix things, win them back, change their mind. But if that’s your chief motivation for doing the work, it will eventually stop.

If things start to improve, the urgency fades and the effort drops off, because it feels like you’ve done enough. If things don’t improve, the effort fades for a different reason—namely, because it seems like nothing is changing. Either way, the change doesn’t last.

That’s the problem with outcome-driven growth aimed at changing a person’s mind—it’s unstable because it depends on how the other person responds. The only sustainable path is to work on yourself, for yourself. Not to win someone back, to prove a point or to stop hearing things you don’t like—but to understand why you react the way you do and to learn to respond differently. 

When you do that kind of work, it changes the way you show up, not just in one relationship, but in all of them.

Don’t Need Them, Choose Them

When someone can’t manage their internal world, they often begin to rely on their partner to do it for them. Over time, this creates a lopsided dynamic, where one person becomes the caregiver and the other becomes the dependent, leaning on that support without learning to stand on their own. 

Of course, caring for each other is part of a relationship. But when one person avoids their own baggage and the other carries it, equilibrium is lost. One gives far more than they receive and over time leads to exhaustion and a growing sense of discontent for the person carrying the load.

Looking back at my relationship, I hadn’t developed the ability to manage my emotions. So when I found someone willing to shoulder that for me, it felt deeply satisfying. But satisfying doesn’t necessarily mean healthy.

Eventually, I began to operate from a place of need. Without realising it, I came to believe that I couldn’t live without this person. She was my whole world! 

We’ve all heard this idea—and maybe even sung along to it. Harry Nilsson sang, “I can’t live, if living is without you.” James Arthur sang, “You’re nobody ‘til somebody loves you.” And Whitney Houston sang, “I have nothing, nothing, nothing, if I don’t have you”. 

These ideas sound romantic in love songs, but they’re not so great in a relationship. The pressure it puts on the other person is enormous. It’s a weight no-one should have to bear.

I’m convinced a healthier approach is to come from a place of want, not need. Two people who retain their identity, take responsibility for themselves and choose to share their lives. There is care, love, commitment and support—but not absolute dependence. 

Getting there, of course, is a journey, especially if you already tend toward dependence. For me, learning about attachment styles and applying that knowledge to my situation has been hugely enlightening. It’s helped tremendously in understanding what’s been driving my behaviour in relationships and how to become better moving forward.

The last two years have been the most difficult and painful time of my life. But it’s also been incredibly fruitful. To anyone who’s gone through a long-term relationship breakdown, I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is. I know the feeling of a heartache so deep that it feels like it’s going to consume you. I know what it’s like to want to give up. 

But I also know there’s another side to the story. I know that you can get through this. And I know the brokenness can lead to healing.  

Name withheld for privacy

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Forgiveness isn’t about excusing wrongdoing or forgetting pain – it’s about freeing ourselves to move forward.

But understanding what forgiveness truly means, and how to extend it, requires a deeper look at this misunderstood concept. 

Psychologist Collett Smart, Vision Christian Radio CEO Phil Edwards, and chaplain and author Raewyn Elsegood explore the complex journey of forgiveness.

Understanding What Forgiveness Really Means 

To Phil, saying sorry and offering forgiveness are two different things.  

An apology comes from the person who caused harm. Forgiveness, however, is a choice made by the person who was hurt – a decision to accept the apology and refuse to remain bound by the pain. 

“Forgiveness is something that sets ourselves free and it doesn’t come intuitively,” Phil explains. “I don’t know that we do understand it that well, but we really benefit when we do [forgive].” 

Phil hears extraordinary stories of forgiveness through his work on national radio. He gives an example of a man from Adelaide who chose to forgive his dying father despite years of abuse. The decision wasn’t about excusing his father’s behaviour – it was about setting himself free from being bound by trauma.  

Phil says that forgiveness sits at the heart of grace, reminding us that we’re all imperfect and that the measure of grace we extend to others returns to us. 

The Journey Begins With Ourselves

Raewyn offers a perspective that challenges conventional thinking: the person we most need to forgive is often ourselves.  

Through her own journey and her work as a chaplain supporting others, she’s observed that self-forgiveness unlocks the ability to move forward and extend forgiveness to others. 

“The person we’re waiting to forgive is ourselves, and that is where the power [to forgive others] comes from,” Raewyn says. “Once we do that, then we take a few steps forward.” 

This self-reflection creates awareness about our own role in difficult situations, enabling us to say sorry where needed and extend forgiveness where it’s been withheld.  

Raewyn points to a simple truth: if we want others to forgive us, we must be willing to forgive them. While some may still be waiting for apologies that never come, the power of forgiveness lies in not allowing that wait to define our lives. 

The Science of Letting Go

Psychologist Collett Smart reveals that forgiveness produces measurable changes in our emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing. However, she emphasises that forgiveness cannot be forced or rushed – it must come when someone is ready, particularly after trauma or severe injustice. 

Collett explains that when we harbour resentment long-term, our bodies remain in fight-or-flight mode. This manifests as raised cortisol levels, increased heart rate, anxiety, depression, and poor sleep. We often lash out at others because we’re holding onto pain. Forgiveness breaks this cycle. 

“Forgiveness is often about you letting go and not letting the past define you or have power over you anymore,” says Collett. “When you release that or extend that forgiveness, you actually release something in yourself to keep moving forward.” 

Collett challenges the phrase “forgive and forget”, calling it simplistic. True forgiveness isn’t about pretending wrongs didn’t happen, and it doesn’t always mean restoration, especially when safety is at risk. What matters is finding a way to free yourself and move forward on your own timeline. 

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. Whether we begin by forgiving ourselves, understanding grace, or recognising the health benefits of letting go, the path to forgiveness is profoundly liberating. 

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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Many of life’s heaviest burdens are the ones we can’t see, as the constant cycle of remembering, planning, organising and caring quietly shapes each day.

The “mental load” has been getting a lot of airtime in some circles recently. 

What is it exactly?

Here’s one definition from a psychologist that came via a friend:

“The mental load is the invisible, ongoing physical, cognitive, emotional energy and effort required to manage daily life, a household and a career. And it goes beyond the physical completion of tasks because it includes the ongoing mental checking of remembering, anticipating, planning, organising so many parts of life, like groceries, bills, appointments, childcare. And it can often involve emotional work of monitoring and maintaining relationships as well as managing emotional states of your nearest and dearest. That seems to create sometimes the biggest load – the constant checking of, is everyone around me okay?

The mental load is traditionally framed in reference to mothers. But I would actually expand the definition. For example, when people move out of home, they might move in with flatmates, and there’s the question of who does what? What if they don’t take out the garbage or share their load of caring for the apartment? Another example is when the first baby enters a family. This can be a big transition for couples. And so the question is, how does this load get managed between the parents? And then there’s the other example of elderly parents. How do adult siblings navigate, who does what, when and how?” – Larissa, psychologist

The past 3 months for me have been particularly challenging. When asked, I will usually respond with we are just about coping, or that I’m still alive. It is hard to admit to anyone, even myself that I am finding it nearly impossible to physically staying awake long enough to:

• Work
• Manage my children’s school and daycare needs
• Maintain the house
• Keep my social battery charged
• Show up for agreed commitments
• Show up for extracurriculars at work that I cared about

In fact I’ve had to make some difficult choices as my capacity reached overload levels.

Four things have been helpful as I navigate this mental load:

1. Moving some tasks from manual to automatic

For me, clarity of values and priorities is the most important element of managing mental load. This is because once I am clear on what is most important, the mental load of worrying about whether I am doing enough or doing the right thing is removed entirely.

For instance, in order to serve my family well emotionally and spiritually, the house has to function. This means that while the living room does not need to be perfectly tidy every single day, the daily grind of things like laundry and packing children’s lunches are not negotiable. I find when things are put on the list of “cannot be dropped” they contribute less to my mental load because they happen automatically.

2. Adopting a minimum standard of care

Practically, I personally find the concept of “minimum standard of care” really helpful with managing my own mental load. Taken from Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play and being similar in concept to workplace project delivery agile concept known as “Definition of Done” (I work as a Project Manager!), the minimum standard of care (MSC) is an agreed acceptable finish line for routine activities.

This can help reduce the worry (“What if my son is annoyed and hungry because lunch wasn’t what he wanted??”) and the blame (“If only he had packed the dishwasher the way I wanted…”). This is because it helps to shrink the misalignment between expectations and reality. It is about figuring out and agreeing (within each household) what “finished” looks like for a specific task and that no further explanations are needed or taking up valuable mental space.

If I ask my kindergartener to get dressed for school, he knows that he has to find a shirt, pants, jumper, socks and shoes. This means just saying “time to get dressed” is enough, and I don’t need to spend more effort mentally thinking about whether what he is putting on will be appropriate.

3. From Compulsion to Conviction

Once the MSC has a baseline, it is easier to work out how much extra “capacity” is available for the next most important things. This is where things that are non-urgent but still important have a place. Things like spending energy planning the next team event taking into consideration logistics, preferences of those attending, and helping the new person not feel excluded.

I can set aside specific capacity to do these things with conviction rather than compulsion because prioritising things consciously means I do not have FOMO (fear of missing out) for the things that were not able to be accomplished.

4. Following a person not a plan

A friend reminded me of this recently – followers of Jesus follow a person, and not a plan.

I find this such a good reminder because I’m big on planning (as I mentioned previously, I work as a Project Manager!) This means so much of how I approach life is driven by my desire to be seen as in control and competent. The pressure I put on myself is adding to my own mental load.

Jesus says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” [Matthew 11:28-30]

I can come to Jesus and ask him to carry my burdens. He will be good to me.

It doesn’t mean I throw all planning out the window. I still plan, but try to hold my plans a bit more lightly, leaning into Jesus the burden carrier. When I can do that, I find I am less anxious and more adaptable.

Reflection questions

1. Where are you feeling the mental load at the moment?
2. What helps to fuel your mental load?
3. What could you change in terms of your approach to the mental load?
4. What will help make a difference?

Article supplied with thanks to Third Space.

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While we live in an increasingly competitive, uncaring world, compassion and care are often found in unexpected places.

On a recent holiday, I got to spend two nights in Seattle. Our hotel was a short stroll from the truly impressive Seattle Central Library with its extraordinary architecture- a creative mixture of glass, steel, large open spaces and unusual angles.

Bibliophile that I am I couldn’t resist a visit and thought I’d get a feel for the library’s priorities by noting what it was advertising on a large “What’s On” board.

Centre stage was a notice announcing a remembrance service for three “beloved community members”. Sceptic that I can be, and not having read the notice carefully, I assumed it was for three generous benefactors of the library, and then because I instinctively calculate the age at which people die, I noticed that all three of the men died relatively young – aged 60, 44, 47 years. Then I read the notice more carefully. This was not a service for three wealthy donors – but for three homeless men, whose names are to be engraved onto a bronze leaf and placed by a Tree of Life statue close to the library. It is an effort to make sure that every life is honoured and no name forgotten. They were homeless men whose closest home was the library – and they will be remembered.

To be honest, I found it very moving. We often lament that we live in an increasingly competitive, uncaring world. It’s not entirely true. Compassion and care are often found in unexpected places.

Homelessness is an increasing global crisis. It’s strongly linked to poverty and often to mental health. In my short walk to the library I was startled by a man engaged in a very angry conversation. No one was with him so I assumed he was on the phone, but then realised he was simply in a furious conversation with himself – not aware of anyone else in his vicinity, but clearly very unhappy. I suspect he has no home to go to, or to be more accurate, that the streets are his home, his only conversation partner, himself, and sadly, he doesn’t like himself much, so the conversation is pretty abusive.

This is not how life is meant to be lived – we all know that. Solutions are not easy to find, but perhaps a small start can be made when we remember that everyone has a name, and everyone has a story, and they aren’t all the same. And some stories are probably more intriguing than others. One of the men being remembered is Matthew “Happy” Walker. Oh I wonder where the “Happy” came from, and am glad that in some way he could be that, despite not having a conventional home. And I imagine he would be happy indeed to know that his name is about to be engraved on a bronze leaf and that it will not be forgotten.

In Matt 10:29-31 Jesus reminds us “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside of your Father’s care.” I am so grateful that the God who knows when each sparrow falls, knows and remembers each of our names – and sometimes prompts us to remember each others names as wel

Article supplied with thanks to Brian Harris.

About the Author: Brian is a speaker, teacher, leader, writer, author and respected theologian who is founding director of the AVENIR Leadership Institute, fostering leaders who will make a positive impact on the world.

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One thing that’s made an enormous difference in my life: learning to listen to God.

I believe the Holy Spirit wants to walk with us every day. Not just on Sunday mornings. Not just at church or a prayer meeting. God wants to be involved in our lives every hour. He wants to guide us.

Learning to Stop Doing Life in My Own Strength

Before becoming a Christian, I spent years trying to find the answers to life myself.

Back in the 1990s, I remember walking into a bookstore, and buying self-help books. There always seemed to be another book promising that if you followed 30 steps, your life would be transformed in 30 days.

Some contained good ideas. But there was one problem. They all depended on me having the strength to make everything work.

And I’ve discovered I’m not particularly good at doing life in my own strength.

When I became a Christian, God began teaching me something different.

Learning to Trust God With My Worries

One of my favourite passages is Philippians 4:6–7. It tells us not to be anxious, but to bring our concerns to God with thanksgiving and allow His peace to guard our hearts and minds.

Putting that into practice wasn’t easy.

I grew up in a household where worrying was almost a way of life. I often joke that Mum and Dad gave me a Harvard degree in how to worry.

For years after becoming a Christian, I prayed Philippians 4:6–7, but still struggled with anxiety.

Then one night something happened that changed my understanding of those verses.

A Storm Over Lake Macquarie

It was a Monday night in the middle of winter. I was heading to my men’s group and there was a huge storm over Lake Macquarie.

We had a 34-foot Beneteau yacht on a mooring near our home at Valentine.

Before leaving home, I had this strong sense that God was telling me, “Ken, you need to pray for your boat.”

So my wife Wendy and I prayed.

The weather became wild. Trees were coming down and there were reports of wind gusts reaching around 100 kilometres an hour.

But after praying, I went to men’s group and left the boat with God.

The Boat Was Gone

Later that night, I drove down to the boat ramp at Valentine and pointed my headlights towards the mooring.

The boat was gone.

So was the mooring.

Now, the old Ken would have panicked.

Instead, something completely unexpected happened.

I felt peaceful.

I went home to get a spotlight and told Wendy the boat was missing.

Her reaction wasn’t about the boat.

She looked at me and asked, “Are you okay?”

She knew something like this would normally send me into a complete panic.

But I was okay.

I went back to the lake and eventually spotted the boat several houses away, sitting safely against somebody’s wharf.

I knocked on the door and spoke to the owner.

He told me something extraordinary.

The yacht had broken free during the storm. Instead of crashing into the shoreline or other boats, this four-tonne yacht had moved sideways past eight or nine houses.

There happened to be one empty wharf because the owners had moved their boat to a marina the previous day for repairs.

My yacht stopped in front of that empty space and then appeared to back itself into the wharf.

The neighbours thought somebody must have been steering it.

When they shone a light onto the yacht, they discovered nobody was aboard.

I believe God protected that boat.

But looking back, I don’t think the boat was the biggest miracle that night.

The biggest miracle happened inside me.

For the first time, I experienced what I’d been reading in Philippians 4:6–7.

I had handed something completely beyond my control over to God. In the middle of a situation that should have had me terrified, He gave me peace.

That’s why listening to God matters.

It’s not about hearing some booming voice from heaven. It’s about learning to walk with Him, bringing Him into our everyday lives and becoming sensitive to those moments when He prompts us.

What Are You Facing Today?

Maybe you’re facing something you can’t control right now.

Talk to God about it.

You don’t need fancy words. You don’t need to know the Bible backwards. Just talk to Him like you would talk to a friend.

Tell Him what’s worrying you. Ask Him for help. Then start learning to leave it in His hands.

Life hasn’t suddenly become easy since I became a Christian. My family and I have faced some very difficult seasons.

But I’ve learnt that it’s possible to have peace even when life isn’t peaceful.

That’s the peace I discovered that stormy night on Lake Macquarie.

And that’s the peace I believe God wants each one of us to experience

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There’s something about the shift in season that makes starting fresh feel possible again. What if we applied that same instinct to our minds?

Spring has a way of making us want to open the windows, clear out the wardrobe, and finally deal with that drawer we’ve been avoiding.

Just like our homes accumulate clutter, so do our thoughts, emotions, and habits. Old worries pile up. Resentments sit in a corner collecting dust. Commitments we no longer want linger because we’re not sure how to let them go. A seasonal “spring clean” can be a helpful way to notice what’s been building up and decide what to do about it.

What is “mental clutter”?

It’s not always obvious when our minds need decluttering, because unlike a messy cupboard, this clutter is invisible. A few common forms include:

• Cognitive clutter: the same worry looping on repeat, or thinking in extremes (“I always mess this up”)
• Emotional clutter: feelings that never quite got processed, like a disagreement you’re still carrying weeks later
• Relational clutter: connections or obligations that leave you drained. rather than supported
• Behavioural clutter: habits or routines that made sense once, but no longer fit where you are now

A Simple Way to Sort Through It

Unlike decluttering your house, think of this less as “getting rid of” and more as sorting through. The idea is to notice what’s there, and be more intentional about what you carry forward.

If you want to try this for yourself, a simple three-column exercise can help:

Keep: thoughts, habits, or relationships that still serve you
Reassess: things you’re unsure about, that might need more thought or a conversation
Let go/loosen: things you’re ready to release, even if imperfectly or gradually

You don’t need to solve everything in one sitting. Even naming which category something falls into can bring a surprising amount of clarity and direction.

Reflection Questions

• What’s one thought I keep returning to that isn’t actually helping me?
• Is there a relationship or commitment that feels more obligation than choice right now?
• What’s a small habit I could adjust to match who I am this season, not last year?
• What have I been carrying that I haven’t had the chance to properly put down?

When It’s More Than a Spring Clean

Sometimes this kind of reflection surfaces things that feel bigger than a personal project such as old grief, long-held shame, patterns that seem to repeat no matter what you try. That’s a completely normal thing to discover, and it’s exactly what therapy is for. A season change can be a lovely nudge to reflect, but some clutter needs a second set of hands to sort through properly, so working with a professional can make good sense.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

About the Author: Monica Jacob is a psychologist who seeks to collaboratively help her clients lead more meaningful, enriched lives. She has worked with mood disorders, anxiety disorders, substance use disorders, and adjustment difficulties.

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Chores aren’t just about cleaning the house.

According to child psychologist, Susan Woodworth, it’s important that our children contribute to the household, and part of this is taking part in jobs around the house.

“You want them to grow into responsible people who have an internal sense of being driven, responsibility. It keeps them engaged in your family even when there’s no one there to reward them.”

Pocket Money

When asked about incentivising it with pocket money, Susan said, “When we link pocket money to chores, we can actually undermine the thing that we’re trying to build in our children.”

“Imagine giving your child an allowance to scrub the toilet. They’d probably do it, but only as long as the money keeps coming. Once you stop giving them pocket money or the allowance, the toilet scrubbing is going to stop too.”

Susan reinforced the need for them to contribute to the family, home and society.

“You want them to be engaged, contributing members of their community.”

It Has to be Done

The reason we teach our children to do chores is not so they will learn about reward, but because they are learning that things need to get done and that collectively, we’re the ones to do it.

“It has to be done, and you actually like to use a clean toilet. It’s intrinsically motivating.”

Susan explains that there are two types of motivations.

“There’s extrinsic motivation, which comes from outside the person, such as rewards, sticker charts and pocket money. Intrinsic [motivation] is the inner drive to do something because it feels meaningful or worthwhile.”

If chores are only linked to pocket money, that drive will only last as long as the pocket money that is coming in.

“But if it’s intrinsic, they’ll want to do it because it actually feels good, it feels worthwhile, they want to help. And they like things clean.”

Belonging

Susan acknowledged that it is difficult to get teenagers to care about chores and to see the value in cleaning. But it’s actually about belonging.

“ When kids feel like valued members of the family, they want to contribute. It’s wired into us. Like as humans, we want to belong. So instead of framing chores as like this job we have to do, we can frame them as, this is how our family takes care of each other. This is how our family takes care of our home.”

Change the Language

“The language can change a bit. It’s their way of saying, ‘I love my family and I want to be part of the team helping it run’.”

Some families don’t even use the word chores or jobs. They simply add it to ‘things that help our family’ and they do the task together.

“Those small word changes can change how a child relates to the things you’re doing.”

Allowances

Susan said there is an allowance to giving your children an allowance based on chores.

“When there is bigger stuff, because it’s good for your children to have an allowance and pocket money as well. It’s good for them to learn to manage money and earn money. So for those above and beyond chores, like washing your car or weeding and mowing the lawn.”

She stressed it is more of an opportunity for them to understand how to earn money. Then they can weigh up effort and reward which is a skill they should be taught.

“Is it worth $5 to mow the entire lawn? Oh, actually, maybe it is,” she said.

“It’s about getting the system that works for your family, not the perfect system. It’s about staying connected to why you’re building those skills for the child that you’re going to guide into adulthood. You need to let your kids know that they belong to your family and your family runs on love and contribution and yes, even a clean bathroom every now and again.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

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Real financial literacy is about helping kids develop the skills to make good money choices throughout life.

When most people think about financial literacy, they picture lessons about money, saving and budgeting. While those are certainly important, true financial education is about much more than teaching children how to count coins or fill up piggy banks.

Real financial literacy is about helping kids develop the confidence, financial knowledge and capability to make good choices throughout life.

The challenge is that many parents aren’t entirely sure what financial literacy looks like in everyday life. How do you know if your child is developing the right financial skills? And if money isn’t something you feel particularly confident about yourself, how do you help set them up for a stronger financial future?

Instead of focusing on what your child knows, it can be helpful to focus on what they can do. Here are 15 signs your child is developing strong financial literacy and the good financial habits that support long-term financial wellbeing.

1. Can they explain where money comes from?

Many children grow up seeing tap-and-go payments, online shopping and digital transactions without ever seeing much physical cash. A child with growing financial literacy understands that money is earned through work, providing value, running businesses or investing. They understand that money doesn’t simply appear when a card is tapped. This is one of the most important financial concepts for young people to learn at a young age.

2. Can they tell the difference between a want and a need?

If your child sees something they like in a shop, can they recognise the difference between wanting it and actually needing it? Understanding wants and needs helps kids make better financial decisions and encourages more thoughtful spending throughout everyday life.

3. Can they save towards a goal?

Whether it’s a bike, concert ticket, sports equipment or their first car, learning to work towards financial goals is a key part of financial education. Many children start with piggy banks, while older ones may use a savings account. The method matters less than the lesson: Setting a target, making a plan and sticking with it. Developing good financial habits around saving can have a lasting impact on future financial success.

4. Can they wait before making a purchase?

Modern technology has made spending money easier than ever. Can your child pause before buying something and consider whether they still want it tomorrow? Learning delayed gratification helps young people avoid impulse purchases and make smarter choices with their money.

5. Can they create a simple budget?

A budget doesn’t need to be complicated. If your child receives pocket money, birthday cash or income from a small job, can they decide how much to spend, how much to save and how much to set aside for future plans? Simple budgeting skills help build confidence with money management and prepare children for greater responsibility later on.

6. Can they earn their own money?

Financial literacy isn’t just about managing money, it’s also about understanding how it is earned. Whether it’s helping with extra jobs, selling handmade items, doing odd jobs for neighbours or working part-time in high school, earning money helps kids connect effort with reward. Many young people develop a stronger appreciation for their spending when they’ve worked to earn the money themselves.

7. Can they explain the difference between debit cards and credit cards?

Many adults use cards every day without explaining how they work. A child developing strong financial knowledge should understand that debit cards use money already available, while credit cards allow people to borrow money and repay it later, but of course with a catch. These are essential financial concepts that support future personal finance decisions.

8. Can they understand that debt isn’t free money?

As kids get older, they should begin learning that borrowing has consequences. Whether it’s loans, buy-now-pay-later services or credit cards, debt can be useful when managed responsibly, but it must be repaid. Understanding this early can help young people make more informed choices about their future finances.

9. Can they compare value, not just price?

The cheapest option isn’t always the best option. Can your child compare two things and explain which offers better value? This skill becomes increasingly important as young people encounter advertising, brands, and a growing range of financial products and consumer choices.

10. Can they learn from a money mistake?

Most adults can remember a purchase they regretted. The same should be true for kids. Positive financial behaviours often develop through experience. A disappointing purchase can teach lessons that no lecture ever could. Learning from mistakes is an important part of building financial capability.

11. Can they understand how a savings account grows money?

A child doesn’t need to become a banker to understand the basics. However, they should know that a savings account can earn money through interest rates and that compound interest allows savings to grow over time. Teaching compound interest at an early age can have a significant impact on financial futures.

12. Can they talk openly about money?

For many generations, discussions about money were considered off-limits. Today, more parents are helping children understand money management through open conversations about spending, saving, goals and decision-making. The more comfortable kids become discussing money, the more likely they are to make informed decisions as adults.

13. Can they recognise social pressure and marketing?

As young people move through school, social influences become stronger. Friends, trends, brands and advertising can all affect spending choices. Financially capable children learn to question whether they genuinely want something or whether they’re simply feeling pressure to fit in. This awareness helps support smart financial decisions and healthier money habits.

14. Can they understand trade-offs?

One of the most practical financial skills is understanding that every choice has a consequence. Spending money on one thing often means not having enough for something else. Children who understand trade-offs tend to make more thoughtful and informed financial decisions because they can see the bigger picture.

15. Can they think about their future self?

Perhaps the ultimate sign of growing financial literacy is the ability to think beyond today. Can your child connect today’s choices with tomorrow’s opportunities?

Learning to care about their future self encourages better financial planning, stronger personal financial management and helps build the habits that contribute to long-term financial security, financial stability and eventual financial independence.

The goal isn’t perfection

No child will master every item on this list overnight. Financial literacy develops gradually through conversations, experiences and opportunities to practise. Some younger children will naturally enjoy saving, while others learn best by making mistakes. Some kids will become planners, while others will need more guidance along the way.

The important thing is helping children build positive financial behaviours, strong financial capability and good financial habits that support lifelong financial wellbeing.

One day, today’s kids will become adults making decisions about bank accounts, mortgages, investments and their own families’ finances. The lessons they learn now can shape their financial futures for decades to come.

Article supplied with thanks to Mum’s At The Table

About the Author: Adriana is Mums At The Table’s part-time digital content creator and writes from Kingscliff, Queensland.

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It’s never too late to invest in your marriage.

Is counselling for grandparents “a thing?” The short answer is: yes.

As the National Grandparent Movement’s Ian Barnett puts it, “Married life, like most of life, has particular seasons… It doesn’t somehow get easier if you’ve been married 20 or 30 years. For many couples, it can get harder.”

Ian encourages older couples to see counselling as growth, not failure.

“My wife and I have done counselling… we’ve done a number of marriage courses… If you don’t set aside time, sadly, [issues] just get glossed over until a point in time happens,” Ian shares.

Honest reflection and real change

A common hurdle is simply getting started.

“It’s really hard… when you start to reflect or analyse, you may have to change. Therein lies the problem,” Ian says.

He notes that whatever isn’t faced earlier “you do carry it on into your… later years.”

Many couples only consider getting help when a big issue surfaces.

“Let’s all admit that you need to do something, okay? And the something might depend on what’s happening.”

Don’t let problems fester

Drawing on timeless relationship wisdom, Ian shares a practice that’s helped in his own marriage.

“One of the most helpful pieces of marriage advice comes from Ephesians 4 about not letting the sun go down on your anger. You can’t ignore it. These things in life you cannot ignore.”

Practical first steps can be simple and kind.

“The best thing you can do if you haven’t wrestled with an issue is to be honest and to say to your husband or wife, look, there is something we need to talk about… I’d like you to extend grace to me as I try and say the things I need to say.”

Counselling with care and purpose

It’s always advisable to seek a qualified professional when possible.

“I’d probably encourage people to think about someone who’s a professional counsellor, someone who’s actually gone through a process of being able to listen to the issue [and] provide a helpful way forward.”

And for those hesitant to begin, he offers reassurance.

“If you can find value in actually sharing lovingly and graciously and opening lines of communication and listening and showing love… that’s a great thing.”

Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.

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Five considerations to help calculate a real retirement number based on your actual life.

Start With Your Actual Expenses

Generic retirement targets, like a single round number everyone should aim for, ignore the fact that every family’s expenses look different. Start by listing what you actually spend now, then adjust for what will change in retirement, such as no longer having a mortgage or no longer commuting to work.

Account for Healthcare Costs Early

Healthcare is one of the most commonly underestimated retirement expenses. Costs tend to rise as people age, and this is an area where planning too little causes real strain later. Research realistic healthcare costs for your country and situation well before you retire, not after.

Factor In Giving and Ministry Plans

If generosity and giving are part of your life now, they are worth planning for in retirement too, rather than assuming giving will simply continue at whatever level is left over. Building giving into your retirement number, rather than treating it as an afterthought, keeps it a priority.

Simple Steps to Calculate Your Retirement Number

List your expected annual expenses in retirement. Multiply that number by the number of years you expect to be retired, adjusting for inflation over time. Compare that total against what you are currently on track to have saved, including retirement accounts and other assets, to see the actual gap.

Common Mistakes That Delay Retirement Readiness

Waiting too long to start saving is the most common mistake, since time and compounding growth matter more than almost any other factor. Underestimating healthcare costs, carrying high interest debt into retirement, and not adjusting the plan as life changes are the other frequent mistakes that push retirement further out of reach.

Article supplied with thanks to Wealth with Purpose.

About the Author: Alex is a licensed financial planner and the founder of Wealth with Purpose a Stewardship Ministry that helps Christians handle their money God’s way.

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