Uncovering the invisible mental load

The “mental load” has been getting a lot of airtime in some circles recently. What is it exactly?

Here’s one definition from a psychologist that came via a friend:

“The mental load is the invisible, ongoing physical, cognitive, emotional energy and effort required to manage daily life, a household and a career. And it goes beyond the physical completion of tasks because it includes the ongoing mental checking of remembering, anticipating, planning, organising so many parts of life, like groceries, bills, appointments, childcare. And it can often involve emotional work of monitoring and maintaining relationships as well as managing emotional states of your nearest and dearest. That seems to create sometimes the biggest load – the constant checking of, is everyone around me okay?

The mental load is traditionally framed in reference to mothers. But I would actually expand the definition. For example, when people move out of home, they might move in with flatmates, and there’s the question of who does what? What if they don’t take out the garbage or share their load of caring for the apartment? Another example is when the first baby enters a family. This can be a big transition for couples. And so the question is, how does this load get managed between the parents? And then there’s the other example of elderly parents. How do adult siblings navigate, who does what, when and how?” – Larissa, psychologist

The past 3 months for me have been particularly challenging. When asked, I will usually respond with we are just about coping, or that I’m still alive. It is hard to admit to anyone, even myself that I am finding it nearly impossible to physically staying awake long enough to:

• Work
• Manage my children’s school and daycare needs
• Maintain the house
• Keep my social battery charged
• Show up for agreed commitments
• Show up for extracurriculars at work that I cared about

In fact I’ve had to make some difficult choices as my capacity reached overload levels.

Four things have been helpful as I navigate this mental load:

1. Moving some tasks from manual to automatic

For me, clarity of values and priorities is the most important element of managing mental load. This is because once I am clear on what is most important, the mental load of worrying about whether I am doing enough or doing the right thing is removed entirely.

For instance, in order to serve my family well emotionally and spiritually, the house has to function. This means that while the living room does not need to be perfectly tidy every single day, the daily grind of things like laundry and packing children’s lunches are not negotiable. I find when things are put on the list of “cannot be dropped” they contribute less to my mental load because they happen automatically.

2. Adopting a minimum standard of care

Practically, I personally find the concept of “minimum standard of care” really helpful with managing my own mental load. Taken from Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play and being similar in concept to workplace project delivery agile concept known as “Definition of Done” (I work as a Project Manager!), the minimum standard of care (MSC) is an agreed acceptable finish line for routine activities.

This can help reduce the worry (“What if my son is annoyed and hungry because lunch wasn’t what he wanted??”) and the blame (“If only he had packed the dishwasher the way I wanted…”). This is because it helps to shrink the misalignment between expectations and reality. It is about figuring out and agreeing (within each household) what “finished” looks like for a specific task and that no further explanations are needed or taking up valuable mental space.

If I ask my kindergartener to get dressed for school, he knows that he has to find a shirt, pants, jumper, socks and shoes. This means just saying “time to get dressed” is enough, and I don’t need to spend more effort mentally thinking about whether what he is putting on will be appropriate.

3. From Compulsion to Conviction

Once the MSC has a baseline, it is easier to work out how much extra “capacity” is available for the next most important things. This is where things that are non-urgent but still important have a place. Things like spending energy planning the next team event taking into consideration logistics, preferences of those attending, and helping the new person not feel excluded.

I can set aside specific capacity to do these things with conviction rather than compulsion because prioritising things consciously means I do not have FOMO (fear of missing out) for the things that were not able to be accomplished.

4. Following a person not a plan

A friend reminded me of this recently – followers of Jesus follow a person and not a plan.

I find this such a good reminder because I’m big on planning (as I mentioned previously, I work as a Project Manager!). This means so much of how I approach life is driven by my desire to be seen as in control and competent. The pressure I put on myself is adding to my own mental load.

Jesus says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” [Matthew 11:28-30]

I can come to Jesus and ask him to carry my burdens. He will be good to me.

It doesn’t mean I throw all planning out the window. I still plan, but try to hold my plans a bit more lightly, leaning into Jesus the burden carrier. When I can do that, I find I am less anxious and more adaptable.

Reflection questions

1. Where are you feeling the mental load at the moment?
2. What helps to fuel your mental load?
3. What could you change in terms of your approach to the mental load?
4. What will help make a difference?

Article supplied with thanks to Third Space.

Feature image: Canva

Connection is a fundamental part of being human

It shapes how we see ourselves, how we experience the world, and how we cope during difficult times. When we feel connected, our mental and emotional wellbeing are often stronger and more supported.

Small, everyday interactions, like a friendly exchange with your local barista, and how these micro-connections can gently buffer against loneliness. These moments matter more than we often realise. But while they offer important emotional lifts, they are only one piece of the puzzle.

This brings us to a deeper layer of connection: meaningful community. If weak ties help us feel momentarily seen, meaningful communities help us feel truly known. And it’s within these spaces that some of the most profound benefits for our mental wellbeing can emerge.

The Human Need to Belong

Humans are inherently social beings. Our brains and bodies are shaped for connection, and our wellbeing is deeply influenced by the quality of our relationships. Feeling connected to others provides a sense of safety, stability, and support in our day-to-day lives.

Meaningful community provides:

• A sense of belonging and identity
• Emotional support during difficult times
• Opportunities for shared experiences and growth
• A framework for understanding ourselves and others

What Makes a Community “Meaningful”?

Not all social groups offer the same psychological benefits. A meaningful community goes beyond casual interaction. It is characterised by:

• Consistency: Regular opportunities to gather and connect
• Authenticity: Space to be seen and accepted as you are
• Shared values or purpose: A common thread that brings people together
• Mutual support: Giving and receiving care, not just surface-level interaction

These elements create an environment where individuals feel psychologically safe, a key factor in mental wellbeing.

The Mental Health Benefits

Being part of a meaningful community can have profound effects on mental health:

1. Reduced Loneliness and Isolation
Regular connection with others helps buffer against feelings of loneliness, which is a significant risk factor for depression.

2. Emotional Regulation and Support
Talking through challenges with trusted people helps process emotions and reduces distress. Having our experiences normalised and understood can be deeply regulating.

3. Increased Sense of Purpose
Engaging in a group with shared values or goals gives individuals a sense of meaning, which is strongly linked to life satisfaction and resilience.

4. Improved Self-Worth
Being valued within a community reinforces a sense of worth and identity.

5. Greater Resilience
When facing adversity, those with strong social support systems are better equipped to cope and recover.

The Role of Ritual and Shared Experience

One often overlooked aspect of meaningful communities is the presence of shared rituals or regular gatherings. Whether it’s weekly meetings, group activities, or shared traditions, these moments create rhythm and predictability.

Rituals can:

• Provide grounding in times of uncertainty
• Strengthen group cohesion
• Create a sense of continuity and stability

They act as anchors in our lives, helping us feel connected to something larger than ourselves.

Barriers to Finding Community

Despite its importance, many people struggle to find or maintain meaningful community. Common barriers include:

• Busy schedules and competing priorities
• Social anxiety or fear of vulnerability
• Past experiences of rejection or exclusion
• Over-reliance on digital interaction

Recognising these barriers is the first step toward overcoming them.

Moving Toward Connection

Building or joining a meaningful community doesn’t require perfection. It requires intention. Some starting points include:

• Seeking out groups aligned with your values or interests
• Prioritising regular, in-person connection where possible
• Allowing yourself to be known gradually
• Contributing to the wellbeing of others within the group

Connection deepens over time, not instantly. Small, consistent steps often lead to the most meaningful relationships.

Final Thoughts

Mental wellbeing is not just an individual pursuit. It is deeply relational. While self-care practices are important, they are most effective when supported by a network of genuine connection.

Meaningful community offers something that cannot be replicated through productivity, achievement, or online interaction alone: a sense of belonging. And in that belonging, people often find not only support, but also healing, growth, and a renewed sense of purpose.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

About the Author: Jennifer Chu is a psychologist who is passionate about therapy, experienced in a range of mental health issues including anxiety, depression, social adjustment issues, stress management, and cross-cultural issues and more.

Feature image: Canva

Here’s the science behind how many people you can realistically maintain meaningful relationships with, without draining all your energy.

Scroll through your social media platforms and you’ll see plenty of people with over 1000 friends or followers. It might make you feel like you don’t have enough and that you should be befriending people online every chance you get. The question is, how many of those will be truly close friends, the ones you actually talk to, share your life with or call when things get tough?

In our digital age, we’ve built larger social networks than ever before, but many of those connections are just online friends, not meaningful relationships or people we actually journey through life with. 

For mums, navigating friendships can feel even more complex. Between family schedules, kids and the demands of daily life, our social circle shifts dramatically. 

So what’s the optimal number of friends we really need for a good life and is it a smart idea to try to have lots of them?

The science behind how many friends we can have

Oxford University professor and psychologist Robin Dunbar studied how many people we can realistically maintain relationships with. His research, often called Dunbar’s number, found that humans can only manage about 150 meaningful connections at once. This isn’t just about Facebook friends or group chats; it’s about people we genuinely know and interact with in our social lives.

But Dunbar broke this number down further into smaller, nested layers, reflecting different levels of emotional closeness and time investment:

• 3–5 people: Your close circle, those you talk to and interact with daily or almost daily. They’re your close friends, your lifeline during difficult times, the ones you trust completely. The people you share your highs and lows with, laugh and cry together.
• 10 good friends: People who still affect your life deeply. You’d be devastated if something happened to them, but they aren’t your bestest friends.
• 35 casual friends: Those you might see at work, school events or your kids’ activities, people you know a bit about but aren’t fully in your inner world. These could be the mums you chat with each week while watching your kids play soccer. 
• 100 acquaintances: The rest, family members, old classmates and people you keep loosely connected with through social media.

That makes up Dunbar’s 150-person limit, the ideal number of meaningful connections most of us can comfortably sustain.

Age, stage and personality affect our friendships

Your friends group in high school was probably a larger circle. If it wasn’t, you felt left out and certainly not cool. If you were anything like most kids, you cared more about fitting in with a larger group and having lots of friends to share your social life with. In your 20s, quantity might have mattered more, with late nights out, group chats buzzing and larger social networks filled with new friends and shared experiences. The more friends, the better. 

But as we grow older, especially in our 30s and beyond, our priorities shift. Friendships become more about quality than quantity. We begin to value close relationships that bring emotional support and life satisfaction over maintaining a large number of casual friends.

And that’s perfectly normal. As a Pew Research Centre study noted, adults in midlife tend to have a smaller circle of close friendships but report higher life satisfaction because those relationships are deeper and more stable.

Our personality also plays a role. Extroverts may crave a larger circle of people and thrive on constant connection. Introverts, meanwhile, often prefer a small circle of close friends who bring calm and trust. Neither is wrong. It’s about recognising what fits your life best.

Friendships require energy and time

Friendship isn’t a passive thing. Real relationships take energy, emotional availability and most importantly, time. Every person has only so much to give.

When you become a mum, that time and energy get divided between children, family members, work and home life. It’s natural for your social network to shrink. Some friends will drift away; others might move from your close circle to your casual friends layer. That doesn’t mean the friendship failed. It just evolved with your life.

As your social lives change, you inevitably redistribute your attention. If you try to maintain a larger group of friends, you spread your emotional energy thinner and that can leave you feeling drained. 

Is it bad if I only have two close friends?

Not at all. Some people feel perfectly content with one or two close friendships. You might not have a larger circle anymore and that’s completely okay.

Your close friends are the ones you share your highs and lows with, who text to check on you, who know when you’re struggling. Even if that’s just one good friend, that connection can make a massive difference to your mental health and overall life satisfaction.

Psychologists agree that having meaningful connections, even with a small number of people, is one of the strongest predictors of a good life. It’s not about how many friends you have, but whether you have at least one person who truly gets you.

Friendship and wellbeing

Friendships aren’t just nice to have; they’re essential for emotional and physical wellbeing. Strong close relationships buffer stress, reduce loneliness and support better mental health.

According to the Pew Research Centre and other studies, people with supportive friend circles report higher happiness levels, less anxiety and even longer lifespans. A good friend offers emotional support during difficult moments and celebrates with you during the good times.

So, don’t make the mistake of trying to skip out on friends because you have no time or energy. You don’t need five or even two, but you should at least have one close, safe and healthy friend who you can do life with.

For mums, that emotional support can be life-changing. It might be the person who drops off the kids at school when you’re sick or the one who listens without judgement when you’re struggling to balance it all. Those close friendships remind you that you’re not alone and that connection is one of the best forms of self-care.

Building (or rebuilding) your friend circle

If you’ve looked around and realised your close circle has shrunk, don’t panic. It’s never too late to find new friends. Here’s how to be intentional about building meaningful relationships:

1. Assess your social network. Think about who’s in your close circle, friend group and casual friends. Knowing where people fit helps you invest your time wisely.
2. Be okay with a small circle. Don’t measure your friendships by the number of people you know. Two good friends might fill your life more than 20 casual friends.
3. Nurture what you have. Send that message, schedule that catch-up or reply to that text you’ve been putting off. Consistency builds close relationships.
4. Say yes to opportunities. Attend that mums’ meet-up, join a playgroup, volunteer or reconnect with someone from high school. Every person you meet could be the start of a meaningful connection.
5. Accept that friendships change. Some friends will move away or drift as life changes. That’s natural. Focus on the ones who show up and on being that good friend for others.

Quality over quantity

Ultimately, friendship isn’t a numbers game. Whether you have one good friend or a larger social network, the secret is quality. True close friendships bring trust, laughter and stability.

Your social circle doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. For some mums, the ideal number might be a larger circle of people who energise them. For others, a small circle with just one or two close friends feels perfect.

Friendship is about meaningful relationships that make life richer, not busier. 

Article supplied with thanks to Mum’s At The Table

About the Author: Adriana is Mums At The Table’s part-time digital content creator and writes from Kingscliff, Queensland.

Feature image: Canva

Why a 5-minute task can feel impossible

I recently had the privilege of attending a workshop on supporting parents of children with ADHD, run by the fantastic Dr Maddi Derrick MAPS. It brought together many concepts and ideas about supporting children and their families that I have been building knowledge on for a long time, and translated them into clear and practical language. Interestingly, I have found many of these ideas applying well beyond ADHD and parenting contexts.

The concepts of executive functioning having a “capacity” and tasks having both visible and invisible “demands” seem foundational, yet they are incredibly important as we consider our own limitations and the judgements we often make about ourselves and others. These ideas can help us proactively set ourselves—and those around us—up for success, while moving away from simply attributing difficulties to “a lack of effort or ability”.

Capacity

What do I mean by capacity? Let’s start with this idea, no matter how much we might want our concentration, emotion regulation and energy to be limitless, they are not. We are finite beings with finite resources. In this context, capacity refers to our self-regulatory ability to function in prompting motivation, maintaining concentration, problem solving, regulating our emotions, and other executive functioning roles. 

Importantly, capacity is not fixed. It fluctuates from day to day and even hour to hour. Poor sleep, illness, stress, grief, anxiety, sensory overload, parenting demands, relationship difficulties and major life transitions can all reduce the resources we have available.

This is often where people become frustrated with themselves. We compare today’s performance to a day when we had greater resources available and conclude that we are lazy, unmotivated or failing. In reality, we may simply be attempting to meet the same demands with significantly less available capacity.

Supporting Capacity

While we cannot create unlimited capacity, there are many ways we can support and protect the capacity we do have. Some examples include:

• Prioritising adequate sleep and rest.
• Taking regular breaks before reaching exhaustion.
• Building routines that reduce decision fatigue.
• Managing stress through movement, mindfulness or social connection.
• Using reminders, calendars, other people and systems to reduce the amount we need to hold in our minds.
• Recognising when our resources are running low and adjusting expectations accordingly.

Rather than asking, “Why can’t I do this?”, it can sometimes be more helpful to ask, “What is my capacity like right now?”

Task(s) Demand

The demands of a task are perhaps more obvious. They include all the requirements and components that draw upon our capacity. However, this also includes the thinking, emotional responses, associations and other internal processes that accompany a task.

For example, if I were asked to build a table, some of the demands would be reading the manual, gathering the tools and physically assembling the pieces. But there are also less visible demands: remembering where the tools are, estimating how long the task will take, tolerating frustration when something does not fit together and trying not to think about my less-than-stellar track record in woodwork at school!

The same principle applies to everyday tasks. Sending an email may involve deciding what to say, remembering previous conversations, worrying about how it will be received and overcoming the urge to continue your current, more interesting task. The visible task is often only part of the story. In reality, when we start to compare our capacity to the demands that we need to undertake, it is usually to a number, collection or lists of different tasks with different demands across a period of class; afternoon of work or whole day. 

Demand Awareness

A helpful skill we can develop is learning to identify the hidden demands attached to a task.

When people say, “I know it’s only a five-minute job, so why can’t I do it?”, there is often an assumption that the visible task is the entire task. Once we unpack it, we frequently discover multiple additional demands competing for the same limited resources.

For example, booking a medical appointment might involve:

• Stopping your favourite relaxing task
• Finding the phone number
• Calling during business hours
• Managing anxiety about making the call
• Remembering relevant information
• Rearranging work or family commitments

What appears simple from the outside may actually draw upon a range of executive functioning skills. [It makes more sense now why I put off seeing the Dentist!]

Developing awareness of these hidden demands can be surprisingly powerful. It helps explain why some tasks feel disproportionately difficult and can reduce our tendency to understand these as personal failings.

Reducing Demands

If capacity and demands interact, there are generally two ways to improve the likelihood of success: support capacity or reduce demands.

Reducing demands is not “taking the easy way out”-  It can be a more sustainable and effective form of moving towards our goals.

Some general examples of this could look like:

• Breaking large tasks into smaller, more manageable steps.
• Preparing materials ahead of time.
• Using visual reminders, checklists or templates.
• Completing challenging tasks during times of higher energy.
• Delegating or sharing parts of a task where possible.
• Reducing distractions in the environment. 
• Allowing “good enough” rather than striving for perfection.

It’s not just completing one task that can benefit from this type of thinking, but also maintaining capacity for other demands in the day.

Bringing it Together

Many of us have been taught to explain success or failure primarily by effort. Sometimes the solution is not to try harder. Sometimes it is making adjustments that better match the resources we have available.

Whether we are supporting a child, partner, colleague or ourselves, it can be helpful to ask two simple questions:

1. What is the current available capacity?
2. What are the visible and invisible demands of this task?

These questions often lead us away from judgement and towards understanding. More importantly, they help us identify practical changes that can make success more likely.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

Feature image: Canva

Is the never-ending desire for perfection stealing your peace?

Perfectionism. It sounds like a good thing, right? Striving for the best, paying attention to every little detail, wanting things to be just so. But for anyone caught in the trap of perfectionism, you know it’s not as polished as it seems. The pressure to be perfect can feel relentless, leaving you stuck in a cycle of stress, self-criticism, and never quite feeling “good enough.” So how does perfectionism start, why does it continue, and what can you do to break free?

What Drives Perfectionism?

At its core, perfectionism isn’t really about being perfect. It’s about fear: fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of not measuring up. Most perfectionists are driven by a deep need to avoid mistakes and rejection. It’s not just about getting things right; it’s about the fear of getting things wrong.

Perfectionism often begins with certain beliefs about your self-worth. Maybe growing up, you received praise for doing things perfectly or criticism when you didn’t. This can create a mindset where your value feels tied to your achievements or how flawless your performance is. Over time, this belief becomes ingrained: I am only good enough if I am perfect.

Perfectionism is often fuelled by the belief that your worth depends on what you do, how you look, or how others perceive you.

How Does Perfectionism Start?

Perfectionism can take root early in life. It often stems from a combination of personality traits, family dynamics, and societal pressures. For some, it starts with high expectations placed on them by parents, teachers, or coaches. You might have been rewarded for success and subtly (or not so subtly) criticised for failure. Over time, the message you receive is clear: mistakes are bad, and only perfection is acceptable.

For others, perfectionism can be a response to feeling out of control. If life feels unpredictable or chaotic, controlling your achievements or environment might feel like a way to regain some sense of stability. Perfectionism becomes the armour you wear to protect yourself from the discomfort of uncertainty.

Perfectionism often begins as a coping strategy, something that promises control and validation in an unpredictable world.

How Perfectionism Keeps Going

Once perfectionism takes hold, it has a sneaky way of perpetuating itself. The more you strive for perfection, the more you fear failure, and the more pressure you put on yourself to avoid it. And because perfection is an impossible standard, you inevitably fall short. This leads to frustration, self-doubt, and an even greater drive to do better next time. The cycle just keeps going.

This is what we call the “perfectionism trap.” Even when you achieve your goals, it doesn’t feel good enough. You might constantly raise the bar, tell yourself you could’ve done better, or fear that others will notice your flaws. Perfectionism is a relentless critic that’s never satisfied.

Perfectionism creates a cycle of fear, effort, and disappointment, a treadmill that never lets you stop running.

The Cost of Perfectionism

Perfectionism might seem like a harmless drive for excellence, but over time, it can come at a huge cost. Emotionally, it can lead to anxiety, depression, and burnout. You might feel constantly stressed or overwhelmed, always trying to keep up with impossible expectations.

Physically, perfectionism can lead to exhaustion. The pressure to constantly perform at your best takes a toll on your energy and well-being. Perfectionists often sacrifice sleep, relaxation, and time with loved ones in the pursuit of “getting it right.”

Socially, perfectionism can isolate you. When you’re fixated on being perfect, it’s hard to let your guard down or show vulnerability. Relationships can suffer because you’re afraid to be seen as anything less than flawless.

Breaking Free from Perfectionism

The good news? You don’t have to stay stuck in the perfectionism cycle. There are ways to loosen its grip and find a healthier, more balanced way to live.

1. Challenge Your Beliefs:

Start by questioning the idea that your worth is tied to your achievements. What would happen if you made a mistake? Would the world fall apart? Probably not. Practice giving yourself permission to be imperfect.

“Perfectionism thrives on the belief that mistakes are unacceptable, but mistakes are how we grow. They’re not a reflection of your worth.”

2. Embrace “Good Enough”:

Let go of the need for everything to be perfect. Sometimes “good enough” really is enough. Perfectionists often spend hours tweaking and refining things that are already fine. Learn to recognise when you’ve done a solid job and move on.

3. Practise Self-Compassion:

Be kind to yourself. When you catch yourself slipping into perfectionist thinking, pause and ask yourself, Would I speak to a friend this way? Chances are, you wouldn’t. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to someone else.

4. Set Realistic Goals:

Perfectionists tend to set goals that are way too high, leading to disappointment when they’re not met. Instead, set goals that are challenging but achievable. Break big tasks into smaller, manageable steps and celebrate progress, not just the end result.

5. Accept Uncertainty:

One of the biggest drivers of perfectionism is the fear of not being in control. But life is full of uncertainty, and trying to control everything will only add to your stress. Learn to tolerate the unknown and trust that you can handle whatever comes your way.

Perfectionism might promise success and control, but in reality, it often brings stress, frustration, and isolation. Breaking free from the perfectionism cycle isn’t about lowering your standards, it’s about recognising that you are enough, flaws and all. By embracing imperfection, you can find more joy, peace, and fulfilment in your life.

So next time you find yourself chasing perfection, take a step back. Ask yourself: Is this about doing my best, or am I trying to prove something to myself or others? Then give yourself permission to be human, because, honestly, that’s all anyone really expects from you.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Feature image: Canva

Must we be endlessly available, universally liked, and perpetually busy?

We live in a culture that deeply romanticizes exhaustion. We are taught that to be a “good” person—a good partner, parent, friend, or colleague—we must be endlessly available, universally liked, and perpetually busy.

But there is a radical paradox at the heart of human well-being: the choices that feel the most selfish on the surface are often the most generous things we can do for the world. When we look closely at emotional health and sustainable living, we find that real resilience requires us to embrace a few beautiful, counter-intuitive truths.

Paradox #1. Boundary Drawing is Not Selfish, It is Loving

We often avoid setting boundaries because we fear looking cold or withholding, stretching ourselves thin to keep the peace. However, unsustainable enmeshment in relationships inevitably leads to resentment and eventual rupture. Whether it is navigating a relationship with a domineering parent, a friend who constantly takes without giving, or an entitled grown-up child, feeling that your emotions and thoughts are not respected is a recipe for burnout.

In order to remain genuinely connected to the people in your life, you have to make the dynamic sustainable for yourself. Boundary drawing isn’t a wall to shut people out; it is a clear map that defines where you end and they begin, preserving the relationship by preventing the slow burn of hidden frustration.

It is ultimately far more loving to offer an honest, compassionate “No” that protects the bond than a resentful, exhausted “Yes” that quietly erodes it. Clear boundaries eliminate guesswork, allowing you to show up with genuine presence rather than out of a sense of draining obligation. By protecting your own emotional capacity, you ensure that the time and care you do give are authentic, resilient, and built to last.

Paradox #2. Detaching From Others’ Reactions Empowers You to Care Deeper

It sounds noble to absorb everyone’s emotional weather and care deeply about their immediate opinion of you, but people-pleasing is an act of emotional survival rather than genuine connection. When your primary focus is managing how others perceive you or personalizing their unpredictable moods, your energy is entirely consumed by anxiety and internal performance.

Ironically, refusing to personalize others’ emotions frees you up to care for them with far more depth. When you stop treating people as judges to be impressed or problems to be fixed, you clear out the mental noise and can finally see them as human beings to be heard.

Furthermore, if your self-worth is not tied to their immediate emotional state, you can handle their heavy emotions, disappointments, or conflicts without collapsing, overreacting, or getting defensive. Detaching from their approval isn’t about becoming callous; it is about becoming a steady, anchored presence. You are able to love people for who they are in that moment, precisely because you aren’t waiting for them to validate you or fix your own anxiety.

Paradox #3. Resting is Not Lazy, It is the Ultimate Efficiency

We tend to view rest as a luxury or a reward for hard work, something we are only allowed to do once an impossible to-do list hits zero. However, the human brain and nervous system do not operate on a linear scale, and constant grinding quickly yields diminishing returns that lead to foggy thinking, critical mistakes, and emotional volatility. True rest is not a waste of time; it is incubation. Stepping away from the desk or taking a weekend to completely unplug is the very mechanism that sharpens your focus, sparks creativity, and prevents the catastrophic downtime of full burnout.

When you rest, your brain actively processes information, consolidates memory, and regulates stress hormones. True efficiency isn’t about how many consecutive hours you log; it’s about the quality of energy you bring to those hours. Ultimately, rest is not the absence of productivity, but the essential biological framework that makes sustainable productivity possible in the first place.

Paradox #4. Acknowledging Your Vulnerability Makes You Deeper and Safer

We often hide our struggles or assume that admitting we don’t have it all together makes us look weak, incompetent, or fragile. In reality, relentless perfectionism creates emotional distance and signals to others that flaws are unacceptable, while vulnerability creates genuine safety and connection.

When you drop the exhausting act of having everything figured out and honestly acknowledge your human limits, you break down walls and give the people around you permission to drop their heavy armor too. This shared authenticity transforms relationships from superficial performances into deep, resilient bonds, ultimately making you a much safer, more grounded, and trustworthy presence for your family, friends, or colleagues.

Paradox #5. Lowering Your Immediate Standards Often Raises Your Long-Term Impact

The cultural belief that you must give 110% to every single task, every single day, is a direct recipe for mediocrity and burnout. Giving maximum effort to everything means you are scattering your focus and giving nothing your true genius. Embracing “strategic under-achievement”—deliberately choosing to let low-stakes, non-essential balls drop, such as maintaining an immaculate house or instantly responding to every casual email—is not about failing, but about prioritizing.

By intentionally lowering your standards on things that matter less, you actively preserve the deep psychological and physical energy reserves required to hit a home run on the few high-stakes goals that truly define your long-term legacy and impact.

Conclusion: Let’s Fill the Cup First

Ultimately, every single one of these counter-intuitive shifts points to a singular, unyielding truth: you cannot give what you do not have. We have been conditioned to believe that self-sacrifice is the ultimate measure of love and efficiency, but trying to pour from an empty cup is a biological and emotional impossibility. When we refuse to rest, protect our boundaries, or detach from external validation, we aren’t actually giving more to the world—we are simply offering it the bitter, exhausted residue of our resentment and fatigue.

Looking after yourself first is not a luxury, nor is it a detour from your responsibilities; it is the absolute prerequisite for them. If your goal is to love deeply, care authentically, and make a meaningful, long-term impact on the people around you, then protecting your own mental and physical well-being is the most radical, effective, and loving act of service you can perform.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

About the Author: Jennifer Chu is a psychologist who is passionate about therapy, experienced in a range of mental health issues including anxiety, depression, social adjustment issues, stress management, and cross-cultural issues and more.

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When the mind is pointed inward, on a loop, it can quietly become its own kind of prison.

It usually starts small. A text you read three times before replying. A decision you’ve been weighing for days, coffee or no coffee, take the job or stay, say something or let it go. Reflection is healthy. But somewhere along the way, reflection turns into rumination. And that’s where the trouble starts.

If you’ve ever lain awake at 2am replaying a conversation from three days ago, wondering whether you said the wrong thing, you’re not imagining the toll it takes. Research consistently shows that chronic overthinking is one of the strongest predictors of anxiety and depression. In fact, studies have found that people who ruminate frequently are nearly four times more likely to develop a depressive episode than those who don’t. The mind is powerful. But when it’s pointed inward, on a loop, it can quietly become its own kind of prison.

We all get caught in the loop

Personally, I’ve been there. As a psychologist, mum, and pastor, I know the cost of a mind that won’t stop running. There have been seasons where I’ve replayed a conversation a dozen times trying to figure out if I should have responded differently, or sat in the car after dropping the kids at school mentally rehearsing the day ahead like I was about to sit an exam. Even with all the training, even knowing better, I still get caught in the loop. So if this is you, please know: you’re not broken. Your brain is just doing what brains do when they’re under pressure. And there’s a way out.

The most common signs of overthinking

Indecision

Overthinkers often find it hard to make decisions, paralysed by the fear of making the wrong choice. You weigh the pros, then the cons, then the pros again, and before you know it, the moment has passed. Constant rumination can lead to missed opportunities and a quiet undercurrent of frustration that builds over time.

Anxiety

The endless worrying that comes with overthinking can snowball into chronic anxiety. When your mind is racing through every fear and concern, your body stays in a state of heightened tension, which makes it hard to relax, focus, or feel present.

Stress and physical symptoms

Overthinking doesn’t just live in your head. The mental strain often shows up in your body, headaches, fatigue, jaw tension, restless sleep. Research has found that high ruminators have elevated cortisol levels, the same stress hormone that floods your body during a fight-or-flight response. So if you constantly feel “on edge” without knowing why, your thoughts may be writing cheques your body is paying for.

Emotional exhaustion

Overthinking drains your emotional energy. The mental chatter makes it hard to connect with your feelings or enjoy the things that used to bring you joy. By the end of the day, you’re tired, but you haven’t actually done anything tiring.

Action avoidance

The habit of overanalysing often leads to a fear of taking action. You think, plan, and prepare, but never actually move. This avoidance leaves you feeling stuck, unfulfilled, and increasingly disconnected from the life you want to live.

So why do our brains do this?

Overthinking isn’t a flaw. It’s a habit your brain has learned because, in some way, it’s been trying to protect you. Maybe by analysing every possible outcome, you hoped to avoid pain. Maybe by replaying past conversations, you were trying to make sense of something that didn’t feel safe. The intention is protective. The result, unfortunately, is exhausting.

The good news? Habits can be unlearned. Neuroscience has shown again and again that the brain is remarkably plastic, meaning it can rewire itself with repeated practice. Every time you choose a different response to overthinking, you’re literally building a new neural pathway. Over time, the new pathway becomes stronger than the old one.

How to break the cycle

If you’re caught in the exhausting loop of overthinking, here are some practices, backed by both clinical evidence and lived experience, that genuinely help:

1. Name what’s happening

The moment you say to yourself, “I’m overthinking right now,” you create a tiny gap between you and the thought. That gap matters. Researchers call this “metacognition,” the ability to observe your thinking instead of being trapped inside it. It’s the single most powerful first step.

2. Set a worry window

Give yourself a specific amount of time, say, 15 minutes, to think about a particular problem. When the time is up, gently redirect yourself. This trains your brain that worry doesn’t get unlimited airtime. A study from Penn State found that people who used scheduled “worry time” had significantly lower anxiety levels within four weeks.

3. Challenge the thought

When you find yourself spiralling, ask: Is this actually true? What’s the evidence? Would I say this to someone I love? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), one of the most researched forms of therapy in the world, is built on this single idea, and the evidence base for it is strong.

4. Move from problem to possibility

Overthinkers fixate on the problem. Try gently shifting the question from “Why is this happening?” to “What’s one small thing I can do today?” It’s a small reframe, but it gets you out of analysis paralysis and into momentum.

5. Reduce the noise

Too much information leads to overload. Be intentional about what you consume, the news, the scrolling, the group chats, the advice from well-meaning people. A 2022 study found that participants who reduced their social media use by just 30 minutes a day showed measurable improvements in anxiety and mood within a week.

6. Talk it out

Sharing your thoughts with someone safe, a friend, a partner, or a therapist, interrupts the loop. Saying things out loud externalises them. You stop being trapped inside them. As I often tell my clients: what stays in our heads grows. What comes out into the light loses its grip.

7. Move your body

Exercise isn’t just good for your physical health. It’s one of the most evidence-based interventions for anxiety and rumination. A 30-minute walk has been shown to reduce cortisol, boost serotonin, and quieten the default mode network, the part of your brain that runs the “worry loop.” You don’t need to train for a marathon. A walk around the block counts.

8. Make peace with imperfection

Most overthinking is fuelled by the fear of getting it wrong. But the truth is, almost no decision is final, and almost every mistake is a teacher. Allow yourself to be a learner. Some of the bravest growth happens when we let go of needing to know everything before we move.

9. Prioritise soul care

I prefer “soul care” to “self-care” because it goes deeper than bubble baths and face masks. It’s the practice of tending to your whole self, your mind, body, and spirit. Rest. Pray. Move. Eat well. Get sunlight. Sit in silence. Be in community. These aren’t extras. They’re foundations.

A gentle reminder

You don’t need to silence your mind to live a peaceful life. You just need to learn to lead it rather than be led by it. Over time, with practice, grace, and a few of these tools, you’ll find the loop loosens its grip. The decisions become easier. The 2am replays grow rarer. And the mental space that used to be filled with “what if” slowly starts filling with “what now.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

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How to recognise when someone is struggling with mental health challenges and respond with practical, compassionate support.

While it’s easy to look back and think ‘we should have noticed something sooner’, the more helpful question is: what can we do now?

That’s where conversations like this matter.

Clinical psychologist Valerie Ling outlines some practical ways to recognise when someone might be struggling and what meaningful support can actually look like in everyday life.

Recent events in with athletes in professional sport, including the AFL, have highlighted how widespread and complex these issues can be.

As ABC News has previously reported, mental health concerns are affecting Australians across all demographics, reinforcing the importance of early support and open conversations.

Listening matters more than fixing

In a culture that often prioritises solutions, it can feel uncomfortable to simply sit with someone’s pain. But support doesn’t always mean solving the problem.

Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can offer is your presence.

Letting someone speak, acknowledging their feelings and reminding them they matter can go a long way. As Valerie Ling puts it, it’s about communicating: “You are important to me. What you’re experiencing is important”.

That sense of being seen and heard can be a powerful first step towards healing.

When to encourage extra support

There may come a point where a conversation on its own isn’t enough.

If someone seems overwhelmed, stuck, or at risk, gently encouraging professional support is an important next step. This might include speaking with a GP, a counsellor, or reaching out to a trusted support service.

Ms Ling recommends approaching this collaboratively. Rather than telling someone what to do, it’s better to invite them into the process.

“Would it help if we looked into some options together?” is a simple way to offer support without pressure.

You might sit with them while they make a call, help them find information online, or even accompany them to an appointment if they’re comfortable with that.

Acting when it matters most

In more serious situations, where you’re concerned about someone’s immediate safety, it’s important not to step back too quickly.

“If you walk away… you’re not really sure if they will be safe,” Ms Ling said.

This could mean staying with them, contacting a trusted family member, or seeking urgent professional help. While these moments can feel confronting, they are also where support matters most.

A culture of care starts with us

Supporting someone through mental health challenges doesn’t require perfect words or professional training. It starts with noticing, asking, listening and being willing to stay present.

For a community that values hope, connection and practical care, these small actions can make a significant difference.

And while we can’t control everything someone is going through, we can make sure they don’t have to face it alone.

If you or someone you know is struggling, reach out to a friend or Lifeline Australia: 13 11 14 for support.

This article was prepared with AI assistance and then carefully reviewed, fact-checked, and edited by our Digital Team.

Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.

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Common thought traps and how to challenge them

We all experience unhelpful thinking patterns from time to time, and if we’re not aware of them, they can cloud our judgment, lead to anxiety, and strain our relationships.

The good news is that by recognising these cognitive distortions, we can start challenging and changing them for a more balanced, fulfilling life.

Let’s explore some common unhelpful thinking styles and simple ways to reframe them based on evidence from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

1. Catastrophising

Catastrophising is when we expect the worst possible outcome, even if it’s unlikely. This type of thinking can escalate anxiety and prevent us from thinking clearly.
Example: If you make a mistake at work, you might think, “I’m going to get fired, and my career is over.”
What to Do: Ask yourself, “What’s the actual likelihood of this happening?” By evaluating the evidence, you can put things into perspective and realise that the worst-case scenario is rarely true.

2. All-or-Nothing Thinking

Also known as black-and-white thinking, this distortion means viewing situations in extremes, either everything is perfect, or it’s a disaster.
Example: If you don’t get everything done on your to-do list, you think, “I failed at everything today.”
What to Do: Recognise that most situations are not all good or all bad. Look for the grey areas and acknowledge small successes, even if things didn’t go perfectly.

3. Overgeneralisation

Overgeneralising means taking a single negative event and applying it to all future situations. This type of thinking can cause unnecessary pessimism.
Example: After one bad date, you think, “I’m never going to find a good relationship.”
What to Do: Ask yourself if this is a pattern or just a one-time occurrence. One bad experience doesn’t mean all future ones will be the same.

4. Mind Reading

Mind reading happens when we assume we know what someone else is thinking, usually in a negative way, without any real evidence.
Example: “They didn’t text me back, so they must be mad at me.”
What to Do: Check the facts. Instead of assuming, communicate and ask for clarification. Often, there’s a simple explanation.

5. Personalisation

Personalisation is when we take on too much responsibility for events or assume that things happening around us are a direct reflection of ourselves.
Example: If your colleague is in a bad mood, you think, “It’s because of something I did.”
What to Do: Remember that people’s behaviour often has nothing to do with you. Ask yourself, “What other factors could be at play here?”

6. Discounting the Positive

This happens when we downplay our successes or positive feedback, focusing only on the negatives.
Example: You receive compliments on a project, but dismiss them, thinking, “They’re just being polite.”
What to Do: Practice acknowledging your achievements. When positive things happen, let yourself feel good about them, no matter how small.

7. Emotional Reasoning

Emotional reasoning is when we assume that our emotions reflect reality. If we feel anxious, we believe that something must be wrong, even if there’s no real danger.
Example:“I feel so scared, so this situation must be dangerous.”
What to Do: Remind yourself that emotions aren’t facts. Just because you feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. Try to separate your emotional response from the actual situation.

8. Should Statements

“Should” statements involve setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves or others, leading to feelings of failure or frustration.
Example:“I should always be on top of everything.”
What to Do: Replace “should” with more flexible language, such as “I would like to,” or “It’s okay if I don’t get everything done today.” This allows for self-compassion and a more realistic approach.

9. Magnification and Minimisation

Magnification is when we blow problems out of proportion, while minimisation downplays positives or successes.
Example: You make a small mistake and think, “This is the worst thing ever!” but when you do something well, you think, “It’s not a big deal.”
What to Do: Look at the situation objectively. Ask yourself, “Am I seeing this for what it really is, or am I exaggerating or minimising?” Practising balanced thinking helps create a more accurate picture.

How Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) Helps

CBT is a proven, evidence-based approach that teaches us to recognise and challenge these unhelpful thinking styles. It works by helping us identify distorted thoughts, question their validity, and replace them with more balanced, realistic thinking. This approach has been shown to reduce symptoms of anxiety, depression, and stress by helping us see situations more clearly and respond in healthier ways.

A Quick Tip for Change

Next time you notice one of these unhelpful thinking patterns, pause and ask yourself, “Is there another way to view this situation?” By exploring alternative perspectives, you can break free from automatic negative thoughts and create space for more balanced, realistic thinking.

With practice, you can reshape how you think, leading to improved mental health, better relationships, and a greater sense of well-being.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Feature image: Canva

Remaining grounded when our first instinct is to panic!

Whether you’re facing everyday stress or devastating tragedy, when life feels like it is spinning out of control learning to cope begins with grounding ourselves physically, naming our feelings, and having the courage to simply be. 

Psychologist Collett Smart, chaplain and author Raewyn Elsegood, and i4Give co-founder Danny Abdallah explores how to navigate moments of chaos.

Physical, Psychological, Social Wellbeing 

Collett Smart explains that when things feel out of control, our brains can’t function properly if our bodies are in chaos. The first step is always physical grounding – literally putting both feet on the floor and taking deep breaths focusing on the exhale. Drinking water helps too. These simple acts signal to your body that you’re safe, allowing your brain to engage. 

“What happens is that gets your body to start to realise that you’re actually safe and you’re okay. And then your brain can kick in,” Collett explains. 

“When you rehearse breathing techniques while stuck in traffic or missing the bus, you build healthy defaults that activate automatically when life truly spins out of control.” 

Perspective and Presence in the Chaos 

Raewyn Elsegood walks directly into chaos as a disaster recovery chaplain. Her role is to be the calmest person in the room, bringing the level of panic down through confident presence and a smile. But she’s learned that “spinning out of control” is deeply subjective – what feels catastrophic to one person might seem manageable to another, and both experiences are valid. 

When Raewyn’s daughter was diagnosed with severe aplastic anaemia four years ago, she initially coped by staying in chaplain mode – the voice in her head offering pastoral care sustained her through the first year after her daughter’s death. But in the second year, she had to surrender that professional identity and become mother Raewyn, allowing herself to grieve without control. 

“The strategy I use to get out of bed is, it’s a new day, I put my feet into the carpet and I curl my toes and I feel and allow every sense to come alive in my body, and it tells me that I’ve still got life to live,” Raewyn says. “I’ve still got two more children to care for, a husband to love, and people to serve.” 

Two Types of Courage 

Danny Abdallah speaks from the most unimaginable loss – three of his children killed by a drunk driver. Through that tragedy, he discovered something crucial about courage. The first type is when you put on armour and fight.  

“The second type is when things are spinning out of control and you know whatever you do, it’s going to make it worse and you’ve got to just surrender and offer it up to a higher being or God, and just sit in it and wait,” Danny says. 

Danny says that we grieve alone but heal together. “Everyone processes [things] differently, and that’s okay.” 

When tragedy strikes, the human spirit rises, and people open up and help in ways they don’t during ordinary times. 

What sustained his family was community – fruit platters appearing at their door, people quietly dropping things off, neighbours who didn’t leave their side. Danny sees God in these moments of service, noting that modern people can’t see the divine because they don’t look low enough. 

Whether the chaos is missing a bus or losing a child, the coping principles remain the same: ground yourself physically, name your feelings without judgement, reach out rather than isolate, and remember that your journey will look different from everyone else’s.  

Collett says that sometimes the best thing we can do when things spin out of control is to take one tiny step forward. And then another. 

If you or someone you know needs support, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14. 

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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