Before the age of two, most children think the world revolves around them. From their point of view, what they think and how they feel must be what others think and feel, too.

They don’t have the concept that other people have different needs and perspectives. It’s why if they can’t see you when they’re playing hide-and-seek, they believe you surely can’t see them.

At around two years old, they start developing what psychologists term “theory of mind”. Put simply, they start to recognise they are individuals, separate and distinct from other people. As their theory of mind forms, they begin to understand people can and will judge them on their behaviour and react to that perception accordingly. They start developing a fear of judgement or become self-conscious.

Theory of mind and fear of judgement is not necessarily a bad thing. Children can become more sensitive, considerate and thoughtful because they are able to put themselves in other people’s shoes. When taken in the right dosage, the knowledge that you are being judged can spur you on to become a better person.

Sensitivity to the perception of judgement can, however, get out of hand. In worst case scenarios, children can become depressed, anxious and avoid circumstances in which judgement is anticipated. In these instances, here are four tips:

1. Remind Them of Their Value

Explicitly and implicitly reinforce your child’s value and belonging with you as their primary safe haven in life. Remind them of the things you and their family appreciate and value about them.

2. Give Them Important  Mirrors

Our views of ourselves and the world (what researchers call “models of self and other”) are largely formed through interactions with important others. Parents are our first and most important mirrors: We look at them and their response to us tells us who we are. Educate your child about how different people can “bounce back” different views, and sometimes this is more about those people themselves than your child or what they’re doing.

3. Engage Self-compassion and Empathy

When your child experiences judgement (real or perceived), support them to practise speaking kindly to themselves when processing the experience. Encourage them to explore if there is an alternative explanation.

4. Seek Help

Sometimes, children and families really benefit from sessions with a child or family therapist to further explore and shift the negative models of self and other underlying judgement sensitivity.

Article supplied with thanks to Sign of the Times Magazine.

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Does fear of God help us hear the voice of the Holy Spirit? Some say it does… The concept is related to our obedience… that is, if God speaks, we should obey, and if we fear God, we’re more likely to do so.

Verses from the Old Testament like Psalm 25:14 are often quoted: “The LORD confides in those who fear him…” 

So are we supposed to fear God?

The truth is, fear works.

As a child growing up in church, I experienced the effectiveness of fear as a motivator. We were regularly reminded to fear God’s anger and punishment. This is why I ran to the altar repeatedly, ever ready to confess my sin and pray the sinner’s prayer. Each time, I was terrified that God hadn’t heard me; my words weren’t correct or I hadn’t prayed with enough sincerity. And so, fear led me back there over and over again. 

But is this the response God longs for? 

Fearing Jesus?

Here we remember that God sent Jesus to show us perfectly what God is like. “If you’ve seen me, you’ve seen the Father,” Jesus said (John 14:9). Jesus is the perfect image of the invisible God (Col. 1:15). So the question becomes… were people afraid of Jesus?

Indeed, we see the opposite.

Children ran to Jesus. 

“Sinners” flocked around him.

Jesus’ disciples were called friends, not subjects (John 15:15).

When we look at Jesus’ life, the only times people experienced fear was when he revealed his power. For example, the disciples were terrified when Jesus calmed the storm with just a few words. Who was this man who spoke to the wind and commanded the waves? The disciples were filled with fear in his presence – and yet Jesus told them not to be (Mark 4:35-41).

A fear reaction is natural in the presence of power. We fear that someone will hurt us, oppress us or impose their authority on us. Great power can and does instil fear, but only when it is experienced without love.

Love versus Fear

The truth is, fear is the opposite of love. The Apostle John expounds on this explicitly: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.” (1 John 4:18a). In responding with fear, the disciples couldn’t fathom God’s love. To fear God is not to know his love (1 John 4:18b). 

Indeed, fear actively stops us from hearing God’s voice. This was the problem amongst God’s people at Mount Sinai. God’s great power as seen in the thunder and lightning caused the people to remain at a distance and insist Moses do the listening for them! (Exodus 20:18-19). Later, God specifically showed his preferred mode of revelation to Elijah – not through acts of power but through a deeply personal and intimate voice (1 Kings 19:11-12). 

The writer of Hebrews reiterates this further. We are commanded not to fear – since we have a “new mountain” – called Zion. This mountain is not characterised by the wind, earthquake and fire of Sinai, but by “thousands of angels in joyful assembly” and to Jesus – “who speaks a better word than Moses”! It is this motivation we’re given for refusing the “one who speaks” (Hebrews 12:18-25). 

When fear is used to motivate, we become externally driven rather than internally motivated. We become pretenders, behaving to please another, all the while our hearts are turning away. We behave because we have to, not because we want to.

So why do we insist on it?

And what about those “fear God” verses in the Old Testament?

The Importance of Obedience

It is true that the psalmist wrote that those who “fear God walk in obedience to him” (Psalm 128:1) and that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom: all who follow his precepts have good understanding.” (Psalm 111:10). 

In these verses, we see a clear emphasis on the importance of obedience to God’s ways. The consequences of disobeying God’s wisdom is real, producing deathly and toxic consequences in our lives and the lives of others. Hence, throughout the Scriptures, there is a recurring emphasis on the need to submit to God’s ways.

Jesus emphasised obedience too, but also clarified our motivation… the one who loves God keeps his commands! (John 14:21). Those who are friends with God do what he says (John 15:14-15). It is after receiving God’s grace that we leave our life of sin (John 8:11). Indeed, Zechariah, the father of John the Baptist phrased it well when he sung about Jesus – the one who enables us to serve God in holiness and righteousness without fear (Luke 1:74-75).

This approach does not dilute God’s holiness. God convicts and calls us to repentance while yet surrounding us with his grace and acceptance.

It does not dilute God’s wrath on sin. Disobedience to God’s ways will always produce deathly consequences that harm and destroy His beloved creation.

It does not diminish our awe and wonder of God’s power. We remain forever humbled by God’s sovereignty and authority.

But we must always remember that God never uses his power to threaten or coerce. As Jesus showed us, God’s love woos and draws. This approach emulates the heart of God towards us. Just as Jesus lay down his life in love, so too we are called to do the same.

We do not need to fear God more to hear the Spirit’s voice – we need to know God’s love more.

Article supplied with thanks to God Conversations.

About the Author: Tania Harris is a pastor, speaker, author and the founder of God Conversations.

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